I hate it when parents name their kids after **** they can’t afford. Mercedes. Ruby. Porche. Gas Lecky Phone bill Council tax.....
I went to my nearby Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter. The Pharmacist came over, smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?” Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around. Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing. When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?" The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!" I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!" I'm not allowed to go back to that Chemist, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore.
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched." Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
A little old lady telephoned her supplier to order some incontinence pads,the operator asked where are you ringing from? She replied from the waist down.
My Wife asked me before going to the hairdressers, "What cut do you think would make me more attractive?" "A f*cking power cut" was apparently the wrong answer.
My dog swallowed the TV remote control. So now I have to pat his stomach to get BBC, rub his neck to get Sky, stroke his back to get ITV and I’ve decided to give up watching Channel 4.......
The UK’S no 1 ventriloquist is celebrating tonight after his wife gave birth to a 7lb 10oz gouncing gagy goy!!..
