I can remember my first day at school. The teacher looked at me during register and asked, "Are you chewing?" I said, "No, Chew Wing is probably one of the Asian kids, my name is Simon!"
Steven Gerrard is favourite for the Glasgow Rangers manager job. A Rangers spokesman said, "We are looking for someone with previous experience at stopping Brendan Rodgers winning the league."
Have YOU had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers NOW.
I'm so stressed. I have no home, I have no control, and I have no function. There's no end, and no way to return. ... Sod it, I guess it's time for a new keyboard...
A rather overweight woman is walking past a pet shop. Outside is a parrot in a cage. The parrot says "Oiii!" and the woman says "What?", "You f*cking big fat ugly bitch" replies the parrot. Obviously insulted by this, the woman storms off down the street. The next day, she's walking past the parrot outside the pet shop and again it shouts "Oiii!" to which the woman replies "What?" again. "You f*cking big fat ugly bitch" replies the parrot and again the woman storms off. On the third day, the woman is passing the pet shop again and once again the parrot shouts "Oiii!", the woman says "What?" and the parrot replies "You f*cking big fat ugly bitch". This time, the woman has had quite enough and enters the pet shop, tells the owner what the parrot has been calling her and that if it does the same again the next day,she'll go the police. The pet shop owner reassures her that he'll sort it out. The following day the woman is once again walking past the parrot when it shouts "Oiii!", the woman replies "What!!!?" and the parrot replies .... "You f*cking KNOW what!"
In light of the proposed merger between Asda and Sainsbury's it has just been announced that Poundstretcher and Marks & Spencer's are to merge too. It will now be known as Stretch Marks.
Heard the sad news today. The man who invented Predictive Text has pasted away. His funfair is next monkey.....
Went for a testicle check up last week. The young Thai nurse cupped her hands round them and said " don't worry it's normal to get an erection during this procedure " I said " I haven't got an erection " She replied " No, but I have "
The US and British Navy were recently on manoeuvres in the Persian gulf. The communications officer on the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise sent a radio message to the British carrier HMS Illustrious: "And how"s the second biggest Navy in the world today then?" To which the Illustrious officer responded: "Fine. How"s the second best?" The USS Enterprise did not reply.
Took the Mrs to Subway today, I asked the girl to make me a sandwich, she said, "Yes, no problem," I turned to the wife and said, "Now, how f*ckin hard was that?"
