A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. "What's that for?" the lady questions. "Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me." Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE. 'What's that?' the lady questions again. "Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV." Then the man drops his underwear and on his pe*n*is he has a tattoo that says AIDS. The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!" The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!" "It will say ADIDAS in a minute."
A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." A Maori man got in line and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Rangi, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Rangi replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Rangi's ear and placed his other hand on top of Rangi's head, he then prayed and prayed. He prayed to the 'Almighty' for Rangi, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Rangi, how is your hearing now?" Rangi answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week!"
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" asked the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," replied the pirate, "We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender continued, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I was fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them **** in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird ****." "It was my first day with the hook.”
A man goes to see his Doctor and says "Doc, I spend all day singing The Green Green Grass of Home and What's New Pussycat, what do you think is wrong with me?" "Sounds to me like you have a case of Tom Jones Syndrome" says the Doc. "Is that a rare condition?" asks the man. The Doc replies "It's Not Unusual" (I'll get my coat)
I had to visit my mate in casualty the other day. Apparently the Dyson Ball cleaner wasn't what he was expecting it to be.
A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece . In those days believe it or not the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events. At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: " OH!! Limp Pricks!" Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into " Olympics".
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating, my son” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon." "Why's that father ?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me” the priest replied.
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered -- 'THE TEETH.'
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!' The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?' Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."
Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry. As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3? 'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.'
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs! The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!' She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!' She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???' The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
An Arabfamily was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asked the grandson "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone." "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat their elderly residents, with so much respect for their past achievements," Abdullah said with a big smile. "There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro! There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour! There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor! And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they call me,â The ****ing Arab.â
My missus wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live for her birthday. So I ****ed her sister and we're on in two weeks !!
A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus. 'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....' The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' 'Now what the F*ck would you say?'
The Itch Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large magnificent breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to Touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, The King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to More than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to Arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a Little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied For four hours, would cure this type of itch and that tests had shown that Only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to Cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their Chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, Which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours Nick worked Passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved while Nick left satisfied and Became hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber Nick found Horatio demanding the payment Of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied Nick couldn't have cared less and knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh, told him to get lost. The next day Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. The moral of the story............Pay your bills.
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them - they said it would be just like winning the lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and, to my horror, we had six matching balls!
Sheer bloody luxury I say ............ "in my day as a lad, we were so poor that if I didn't wake up each morning with an erection ............ I'd have nothing to play with for the rest of the day!"
