The man who owned the Odeon Cinemas has died. His funeral will be on Friday at 2:10 4:20 and 8:40.............
An ex British army medic had been unemployed for short time. He could not find a job he liked so he opened his own medical clinic and put a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for £500, if not treated get £1,000 back." A clever doctor thought that this was a good opportunity to earn £1,000 and went to the clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my ability to taste." Medic: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is petrol!" Medic: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500." The doctor left feeling very annoyed and went back a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Medic: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But thats petrol again!" Medic: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500." The Doctor left angrily and came back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become very weak." Medic : "Well, I don't have any medicine for that. Take this £1,000." Doctor: "But this is only £500!" Medic : "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be £500 . . ."
Got a few nice bits off e-bay today. A tickling stick, a wheelchair and a dartboard, all for under a tenner.
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, your badge, show him your feckin BADGE!!"
For f*ck sake one of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported! Now we don't have Oleg to stand on!
Just chanced upon this again on UK Conquest or somesuch obscure channel. Not seen it in a long time. Barker was a genius. “After all, Rome wasn’t spilt in a tray...”
A bloke goes into the doctors and says, "I"ve got a mole on my dick, can you remove it please?" So the chap pulls his trousers and pants down, and the doc says, "Yes sir, I can remove that mole... but I"m afraid I"m going to have to report you to the RSPCA."
