Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement she said "the super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis"
Me and my mate were playing cricket and he said "let's make this interesting", so we stopped playing cricket...
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL: 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL: 1) Wrap it in cheese.
Just failed my driving test. When the examiner asked me "what sign would you expect to see down a narrow country lane?" Apparently ‘fresh farm eggs for sale’ wasn’t the answer!
Sir Bradley Wiggins has denied taking drugs to help him win the Tour de France, claiming it was a fair win. He added that he had to cycle really fast to escape the colossal razor-toothed fire-breathing luminescent dragon that was chasing him.
A chicken farmer went to a local bar...sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence" the farmer says "This is a special day for me I am celebrating" "This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence!" says the farmer? As they clinked glasses the man asked "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!" "What a coincidence "says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs " "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different cock," he replied. The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!!!"
A hooker brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs. “You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs.” Her client tells her to give him a hand job. Afterwards, he is impressed and asks her if she gives good blow jobs. “Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving good blow jobs.” Her client asks her to give him a blow job. Afterwards, he is really impressed and asks her if she is good in bed. “Look out the window. See that big yacht out there on Lake Michigan? I could own that if only I had a vagina.”
