A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog." So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there. "The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like ****!!!!" The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."
Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"? Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?" Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!" Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity." Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Clegg: "But I need this cheque cashed, its very important" Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that particular shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular aim we cashed his cheque.. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Deputy Prime Minister?" Clegg stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at." Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Deputy Prime Minister?"
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
hope you prefer this one whereever . . . So, this Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat... Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods and Shane Warne were right, when they� said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then He would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb So that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office And asked, 'What in the name of goodness are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb. He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office... When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, The Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!' She said, 'I'm going home, too. "I can't work in the dark".
The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English Weather' Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as: 'Muslim Weather' ( Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite )
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint." Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same.." Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog." =================================================================
Watching the Paralympics today made me wonder. If this lot can run faster than I can, swim better than I can, lift heavier weights than I can........Why the fu*k do they need to park closer to Tescos than me? (complaints to swords)
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?" The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on." So he examines him and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is.." The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?" The doctor says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords..." The guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?" The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one." The guy says, "Dddeal.....Dddo it!" The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on" The doctor says, "P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a dddeal.
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'. So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says; 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'. His funeral is this Thursday.
A white bloke is showering off after a session at the gym when he notices an impressively well hung black guy next to him. "Here mate" he says to the black chap "how do you guys get such big dicks?" Thinking he'd humour the poor sap the black chap says "Well, what I do is tie a piece of string round the end of my knob and the other end around a brick then at night I drop the brick over the side of the bed to help stretch it" "Wow, I'll give that a go!" says the bloke. A few weeks pass and the black chap notices the bloke working out in the gym so goes up to him and says "Alright mate, how's that trick I showed you working out?" The bloke replies "Well I'm half way there already" "What do you mean half way?" says the chap "Well" he says "so far it's turned black"
Do you know how to stop a bid on Ebay? I placed a 10p bid on a mickey mouse outfit, now im 8 mins away from from buying chelsea fc
2 women just called at my door and asked what bread I ate? I said `white` they lectured me on the benifits of brown bread for 30mins ****ing `Hovis Witnesses`
People r so unreliable – They say they’ll come round & fix my broken doorbell – But they never do
Mate woke up in police station with no memory of previous night. He really needs to stop drinking on duty
A cannibal was walking through the jungle And came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.... +Tourist: $5.00 +Broiled Missionary: $10.00 +Fried Explorer: $15. +Politician: Baked Labor or Grilled Green $100.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of ****, it takes all morning."