A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly. The pilot speaks over the intercom ... "I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne". Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's speed continues to decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'". "Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no answer so the pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on board?" Again silence. "C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board? Still there is silence. A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we coloured?" She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is ******s. Let them do the Muslims first. If that don't work we is Zulus".
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the **** out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.A newspaper was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living,being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,! sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.' The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned,' then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to die,' she wails. Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?' For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps. >> >> He whispers . . 'Iron this. Then get me a beer'.
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had; breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.. My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." I said, "Looks like he's still celebrating!"
A company director decides to sell off all his assets and retire at the grand old age of 75 and as a treat to himself signs up at the swankiest golf and health spa in town. On his first day he pulls up outside in his Rolls Royce and notices there is a parking bay in a prime spot with his name already on it. Impressed he parks up and walks in to the reception. The lady behind the counter smiles broadly and welcomes him to the spa handing over a gold key and a brand new fluffy towelling gown and directs him to the Gold Members Only door. She instructs him to make as much use as he likes of all the facilities the spa has to offer and that he doesn't have to carry any money, what ever he wants he only needs to ask for. So first off he takes a dip in the pool, has a fantastic lunch and decides to look around the grounds. He notices a gate in a hedge marked Gold Members Only - Naturist Park and thinks that as he's paid for it he might as well see what is on the other side. Through the gate is the most wonderful garden with fountains, grottos, perfect lawns and a row of pegs with gowns already hung up. In for a penny he thinks and strips off and goes for a stroll. He lies back on one of the loungers and as he is getting comfy the most gorgeous brunnette he has ever seen walks past, naked as the day she was born. It has been years since he has seen anything as stunning and his old chap starts to rise. Much to his surprise the naked girl walks over to him, kneels down and takes his manhood in her mouth. "Jesus Christ love, what on earth are you doing?" he splutters "Sir, you are in the Gold Members area and when you gave me the signal I came over to provide this service" He sits back and lets her get on with it and once finished he lies back in a state of total bliss. A short while later he feels a bit of wind coming on, looks about and lets a long fart out. Before he knows what is going on a giant of a man with the biggest penis he has ever seen appears, flips him over and proceeds to pound his rear end. "What the hell do you think you are doing!?" he screams "Well Sir, this is the Gold Members area and when you passed wind it was the signal that you wanted this service" After what seemed an eternity the huge man finishes up leaving the old feller in agony. He finally manages to gather himself and winces back to the changing room to get dressed. At reception he throws the gold key at the receptionist on his way out. "Sorry sir but wasn't everything to your liking?" she asks. "No pet, everthing is fine apart from one thing. At my age I only get a stiffy once a month but fart 10 times a day!"
I just got caught have a squeaky piss at the deep end of my local swimming pool The lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in!
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the New Zealand Herald, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Onerahi, Bill Paku a self-taught archaeologist and avid Motorhomer reported that he found absolutely **** all. Paku has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, New Zealand had already gone wireless."
A Muslim athlete has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police suspect it's race related...
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womanâs uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. So I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
I went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "peadophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
A blonde joke I haven't heard before A blonde gets a job as a teacher She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she says. 'Yes, Miss' he says. 'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says. 'It's best I stay here.' he says. 'Why?' says the blonde. The boy says: "Because I'm the f*#*ing goal keeper"
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy,with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again Paddy asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.' As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.' Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.'
