Hurt my arm this mornin and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen, the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!" I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!". I said to the next doctor walking past , "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?" He replied, "no sorry, this is the burns unit!"
I'm in hospital !........ Dont Panic !..........I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodill bulb ! Doctors say I'll be out in the Spring. please log in to view this image
I was in a job interview yesterday. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£250 and it's yours." I didn't get the job
An ‘under performing’ bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doctor prescribes it for him & he heads off to the pharmacist. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills. When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed. He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad. "What's wrong, dear?" he asks "I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs. "What do you mean?" "I mean... even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come at once!
Arsenal last won the Premier League way back in 2004 and the 'Crazy Frog' was Number 1 at the time. 14 years on and he's still Manager.
I changed my Facebook password to "Liverpool's defence" but Facebook notified me that it's too weak. Any advice?
U.S.A President Donald Trump and his family are flying over Washington. He looks out of the window and says to his family, “You know what, I’m gonna throw ten $100 banknotes out of the window and make ten people very happy!” His son looks at Donald and says, “Dad, why don’t you throw two hundred $5 banknotes out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy.” Donald says, “Wow, that’s amazing!” His wife turns to Donald and says, “Donald, why not throw one thousand $1 banknotes out of the window? You could make one thousand people happy!” Donald looks at his wife and says, “Babe, that is an amazing idea! The best I’ve ever heard!” The aircraft pilot turns and looks at Mr. Trump and says, “Well, sir, why don’t you throw yourself out of the window and make millions of people happy?”
A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, “Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home? The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.” The little old lady said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?” The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?” She replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket … and I’ll hold the chickens.”
It’s a snowy day and American President steps out onto the White House grass. Right in front of him, on the White House grass, he sees “Donald Trump sucks!” written in urine across the snow. Donald is pretty annoyed about this so he storms into his security staff’s headquarters, and shouts, “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it with pee! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security personnels are in silence and stare ashamedly at the floor. Trump yells, “Damnation!, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!” The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that night, chief security officer approaches him and says, “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want to hear first?” Trump replies, “Give me the bad news first.” The officer says, “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.” Donald says, “Oh Jesus, I feel so… so… betrayed! My own vice president! Well, what’s the really bad news?” The security chief replies, “Well Mr. President, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”
Transfer Window closed last night. Many Liverpool fans are disappointed not to have got Bale. But they'll be back in court on Monday to try again!
