please log in to view this image "To show solidarity, I have also chosen to wear black in order to highlight the misogyny and oppression of women in Hollywood"
My wife told me she enjoyed sex best whilst on holiday, not the best postcard I have ever received to be honest!
I was in a nightclub last night when a Scouser came up to me. She said, "Do you like avocado?" I said, "No, sorry love, I don't drive."
When Saddam Hussein was found guilty he was originally sentenced to be shot. His last request was to name his own firing squad: He chose Lampard, Terry and Palmer from 12 yards
Arsenal fans being forced to stay and watch the last couple of minutes at the Bournemouth game. please log in to view this image
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a ****load of firewood.'
Just received this back from Channel 4... On behalf of Channel 4, may I firstly thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new upcoming reality TV show. Also the charming photograph you enclosed of your wife. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that there appears to be some misunderstanding of the programmes content and the correct title of the series, which is actually, "Fact Hunt". Kind regards, Director of Programmes Channel 4.
I pulled my 3-year-old son to playschool in his sledge this morning. After finally arriving there twenty minutes later I realised that he was no longer sitting in it. So I quickly turned the car around and drove the same route back.
I went to my local supermarket and they offered me a "bag for life" I said "No thanks, I"m already married."
ATTENTION: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2018 FA Cup Final, both box seats. He paid £2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... ...it's at St Paul's Church, Peterborough at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.
"Sorry I'm late home," I said as I arrived back from work. "Some bloke had lost a £20 note in Tesco." "Were you helping him look for it?" Asked my wife. "No, I was standing on it." I said.
