I WAS DELIGHTED when the debt company I owe money to said they were going to send some bay leaves round to my house. They're absolutely my favourite herb, so I borrowed a few quid and knocked up a chicken biryani, ready to eat with them. Imagine my shock therefore when two fat skinhead thugs in suits turned up on my doorstep and walked off with my cooker. Bastards!
After agreeing a £75m deal for Virgil Van Dijk, Liverpool now have enough loyalty points for a free Shane Long!
I went to the cemetery yesterday and laid some roses on my wifes grave. Just the coffee flavoured ones though I like all the others.
An Indian man on his death bed. "Sanjita,my wife, are you here?" "Yes, my husband" "My son and daughter, are you here?" "Yes, Papa." "Then who"s minding the f*cking shop?"
I walked in the pub yesterday and I couldn't help but notice a guy sat at the bar scribbling on some paper and laughing hysterically. "Why are you so happy?" I asked. "My wife's been on a diet for the last 4 days, and she"s lost 5 pounds." the man replied. "What"s so funny about that?" I asked. "Well," he says "I've worked out that in 4 months, she will have disappeared completely!"
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Feck dat, dis budgie jumping is too feck'n dangerous for me!' THERE'S MORE. ... Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.. 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!' IT IS NOT OVER YET.... Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Feck dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his feck'n hengliding!'
That moment when you realise Ian Dowie lives in Leroy Sane’s throat! please log in to view this image
My new years resolution is to give up my two bad habits of masturbation and smoking. I'm now down to 15 a day and doing well at packing in smoking as well.
After the horse meat found in Tesco burgers scandal a few years ago they have now found thousands of camel toes in Primark leggings.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive then you should try swimming with sharks. Cost me a bloody arm and a leg.
Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues cheered.
