Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love.
All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window.
As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming “Oh my god, help me, there’s a bee in my vagina!”
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit.”
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife’s vagina.
The doctor said “OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife’s vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife’s vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said “Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it.”
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady’s vagina.
After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper.”
So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement.
She began to moan and groan aloud.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, “Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you’re doing?”
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, “Change of plan. I’m gonna drown the bastard!”

 

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Johnny says, "None."
The teacher asks, "Why?"
Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."
The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"
The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."
Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

 

My girlfriend asked me if I fancied some domination and humiliation games, so I agreed.

Now we are married...

 

Top chortle, UTRs.

What happened as far as your hot young thing of a few weeks back is concerned?

 

Cheers Uber, we are still together, only because DHL have lost her new contact lenses replacement parcel thankfully

 

Well done that man, pleased to hear it.

 

I was attacked by a group of mime artists.

They did unspeakable things to me...

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

Not technically a joke but....

A jury has awarded $7.5m (£5.7m) to a customer who was injured while picking up a watermelon at a Walmart in the US state of Alabama.

Henry Walker's foot got stuck after he stepped on a wooden pallet to get one of the fruits in July 2015.

Mr Walker, who was 59 at the time, fell over and broke his hip and foot, he told the court in Phenix City.

Walmart maintained the display was safe and they will keep using it. They also plan to appeal against the verdict.

Mr Walker, a retired army sergeant, won $2.5m in compensatory damages and $5m in punitive damages.

 

One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school.
“You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed.
“I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John.
“That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”
“Did I say he was dead? He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighbourhood basketball team!” responded John.
“Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?”
“Did I say he died?” asked John.
Rob was amazed.
“He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!”
“Getting married?!” Rob asked. "If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!"
John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

Rick Ashley just came round to ask if he could borrow my Pixar collection.
I said you can have toy story and finding nemo but I'm never gonna give you up

 

Paul walks into pub and there is a bloke at the bar eating an apple.
He turns to Paul and says this place is amazing the bartender does apples of all different flavours whatever you want he can give you it - give it a try.
So Paul thinks weird but I will give it a go so says I will have vodka and coke apple. Bar tender puts apple on bar and Paul takes bite, says to bartender I can only taste coke bartender says "turn it around" sure enough it tastes of the best vodka ever
Paul says let's try a gin and tonic, bartender puts apple on bar and Paul takes bite, says to bartender I can only taste the tonic bartender says "turn it around" sure enough it tastes of the best gin ever
Paul then thinks it's been a while since I've had the taste of a woman so asks barman for a pussy flavoured apple, bartender puts it on the bar and Paul take a bite, immediately he spits it out and says that's foul, disgusting, tastes ****!
bartender says "turn it around" !!!!!

 

please log in to view this image