Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

I went to a pub today.
Once l had walked in, l notice it was a gay bar ( not that there's anything wrong with that )
So l didn't stay too long, just a quick pint.
As l got up to leave, a barman offered to push my stool in.

 

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A roman walks into a bar and says to the barman 'I'd like a martinus'

The barman says 'don't you mean a martini?'

The roman replies 'If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one'...

 

I'm gonna write a book about the difficulties of watching Pride and Prejudice dubbed into French.

It will be called L'Austen Translation

 

Rene Descartes went into a bar.

The barman said 'Good evening, Monsieur Descartes. Your usual?'

Descartes replied 'I think not...' and vanished.

 

Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

 

Why do cows have hooves?


Because they lactose..........

 

To be fair, I understand the Islamic ban on wives driving. After all, who wants to be a passenger in a car driven by an 8 year old?

 

A note to the wife x

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just layed there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished,
And one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to **** the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, darts, rugby,etc. On TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were ****ing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,"would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

 

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work, so he approached his assistant!

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic so I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her knickers and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen a man!'

"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes and sent her to Spec Savers.”

 

I was feeling very lonely so I bought some shares.

It’s nice to have a bit of company.

 

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For those who haven't heard: New Zealand just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense, because the Bible Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man, they should be stoned."

We just hadn't interpreted that correctly before!

 

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

 

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."

 

If women aren't supposed to be in the kitchen, then why do they have milk and eggs inside them?!

 

A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" The first man replied, "A thought. It just pops into your head. There's no warning." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm, let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is Diarrhea." "What!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure," said Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already sh*t my pants." Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!

 

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There is a name for the condition that afflicts our friend Uber.

It's called Witzelsucht - look it up.