Walked into HMV. Assistant said, Good morning. I said ‘You too’ - He said, ‘Second aisle on the left’
Felt like a true gentlemen today opening the door for my wife, but I was doing 60mph Saga on the phone - They’ll sell you anything - Why would I want a hearing maid Animal testing is awful - They get nervous and give the wrong answers
When I was a child a priest told me I was the cutest boy he'd ever seen. I was touched Mother In Laws in hospital. They say she’s not looking too good. No word on her condition yet How much does Cockney shampoo cost? Pantene.
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?' All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat ! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?' There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?' The woman replied, 'Down.' A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,'Up or down ?' She replied, 'Up.' This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!' She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were **** or drown
British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan . He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
There are really only three types of people: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who say, What happened? INTERESTING OBSERVATION 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is FOOTBALL 2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BASKETBALL. 3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is RUGBY. 4 The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET. 5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. And.... 6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF. THE AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. There must be a ton of people in the Government playing marbles!
Woman Woman is a man's best friend. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels that he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait...... sorry...... I'm thinking of beer. Its beer that does all that. Sorry.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw it was good. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good. On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch.
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the halfwit" You're talking with him said Paddy.
My lesbian neighbour gave me a Rolex - Think they misunderstood when I said ‘I wanna watch’ -- Keith Chegwin (@thekeithchegwin)
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It’s really spoiled my need for food." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
Dan is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Dan goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Dan turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?' She asks, 'What?' 'Sex!!' he replies Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!' 'I know,' Dan says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.' Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterwards, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Dan's manhood. Then one night Dan didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Dan and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Heidi, another female resident, who was holding Dan's manhood! Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Heidi have that I don't have?' Old Dan smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins? ' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'
A Male Fairy Tale: Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted babes and went rowing and watched football and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and ate pies and potato chips and baked beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ." I said "Come in and sit down." I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?" He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."
