A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.'
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.' Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.' The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own ****ing business.
Man "Doctor, I can't stop myself shagging dogs!" Doctor "Good grief, how low can you get!" Man "Ooo I'd say a Daschund or a Chihuahua"
One of my best friends got struck off for shagging one of his patients. Shame because he was a damn fine vet.
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising". And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead." Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in." "No", says the nurse, "Some dopey idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocatedâ.
Took the wife to a disco last weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. My wife said, "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down." I said, "Looks like he's still f****ng celebrating."
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????
POLICE OFFICERS WANTED 4 Enforcement Duties @ Olympics. Interviews 2morrow. Come Early - Beat The Crowd
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. `I want to live forever` I said. `I`m not allowed to grant that particular wish` said the fairy. `Fine , I said `I want to die when spurs win the premiership`. `Ooooooo u crafty ****!` said the fairy.
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days ... A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Guinness ?" The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish ?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something, “If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian ? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German ? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish ? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican ? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish ?" The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't." The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Guinness, why did you ask me if I'm Irish ?" The clerk replied, "Because you're in barclays'."
Paddy got sacked as the local bingo caller. Apparently 'a meal for 2 with a terrible view' is not the best way to call number 69.
A man goes to bed & reaches over to his wife. He starts sliding his hand slowly across her back, shoulders, then down her side just glancing her breasts then carries on down her side and legs. He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down her inner thigh. He moves back towards the top and stops. His wife opens her eyes and gasps.. "Why did you stop?" He says "Found the remote - Back to sleep fatty!
An 88-year-old, very wealthy man, went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great and I've never felt better.” I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child… “So what do you think about that Doc?” The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season!” One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went “bang - - bang!” “Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead....” Now, what do you think of that asked the doctor? The 88-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.” The doctor replied, “My point exactly!”
A young dover woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to California tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to California, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to California. I see,the captain says.Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the cross channel Ferry."
A drifter rides off the prarie and into town, hitches his horse to a post outside the saloon and goes in. He moseys up to the bar and says,"bartender, gimme a whisky". The bartender gives him said drink and he sits down quietly in a corner. Witnessing this is an old-timer, who lifts his own drink and takes a seat next to the drifter. "Say, stranger", says the old-timer,"do you know Evil Jake?" The drifter slowly puts his glass down onto the table in front of him and turns to the old-timer. "Do I know Evil Jake? DO I KNOW EVIL JAKE?" he asks rhetorically. "Why it was only yesterday that I was riding across the prarie in the blazing sun when I came across a watering hole. I dismounted my horse and stooped to fill my water bottle. Just then I heard the click of a six-shooter behind me. I turned to see Evil Jake sitting on his large black steed with his gun pointing between my eyes. 'Stranger', he said,'take off your britches!' With that six shooter aimed right at my head, I removed my britches. 'Stranger', continued Evil Jake,'**** on the trail!' With that gun aimed right between my eyes, I took a dump right on that dusty trail. 'Stranger', said Evil Jake,'eat your ****!' So I ate my ****. Evil Jake thought this very funny and started to laugh his evil laugh. Just for a moment he lost concentration. Like a coiled rattlesnake I was on him. I wrestled the gun from his grasp and turned it on him. 'Evil Jake', I said,'now you remove your britches!' Understandably, Evil Jake wasn't laughing anymore. He removed his britches. 'Evil Jake, you **** on the trail!' So Evil Jake shat on the trail. 'Evil Jake', I said,'now you eat your ****!' Evil Jake tucked into his ****. So, old-timer, you ask me if I know Evil Jake............. ........why, we had lunch together!"
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, " In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far." Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable..
