Paddy hates the English so he goes around saying he would like to place a bomb. One night he walks out of the pub when he is dragged to the ground has a bag pulled over his head and bundled into a car. When the car arrives at the destination he is dragged inside the building to be confronted by some very tough looking blokes so you want to blow up the English do you? yes says Paddy well before we send you to England we will try you out here so they give him a bomb and tell him to blow something up. Paddy goes out and returns many hours later having successfully placed the bomb. The leader of the group says well done. How many letters in the alphabet 18 says Paddy 18 says the leader how do you arrive at that. Well the angels said noel ET has gone home and you have blown up B and Q and MFI
surreyhoop I have more jokes as bad as those but they might be considered racist. I hope the next one is ok Tony Blair George Bush and Robert Mugabe all died on the same day and knocked on the door of heaven together. St Peter answered the door looked at his list and shook his head and told them that there were no places for them and sent them to hell. Time went by and soon it was Christmas and George asked the devil if it was possible to ring his wife, he was told it was and it would cost ten dollars. As he made the call Tony thought maybe he should ring his wife and asked the cos the was told £7 so he made the call when Robert asked how much it would cost to ring his wife he was told there would be no charge for ringing hell from hell
Subject: car buying the senior way A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter-top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $95,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $75,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model." The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman sheepishly. Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Once again.... don't mess with seniors!
Man goes into Doctors. "I think I've got this bird flu thing that"s been going round." The doctor says, "What makes you think that?" The man replies, "Well, I've starting wearing make up, talking bollocks, and I can"t park the f*cking car."
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim.""I know, father." "In fact, I don"t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father." "I have never seen a woman"s boobs and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don"t see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely boobs, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man"s Willie. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my Willie in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes, it is, Sister." "Oh Father that"s wonderful, stick it in the camel and let"s get the hell out of here."
My wife and I were so proud of our daughter standing in front of us after trying on her Wedding Dress. "Give us a twirl," said my wife. The proudest moment of my life and all that fat bitch wants is chocolate!
Hollywood Lessons: 1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. 2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her .4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. 5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society. 6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread. 7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape. 8. You"re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. 11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. 12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. 13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they"re going to go off, but luckily you"ll always blindly choose to cut the right wire. 14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
