Our Yearly Dementia Test It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. 1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else.. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2. 2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3. 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4. 4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .. In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on. In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven .. Without looking back to review, how old is the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!
A Geordie and an American aid worker are helping out in Japan after the Tsunami. The American says..."You from round here...buddy?" "Nah" he replies..." Newcastle " "What State's that in?"...asks the Yank. "Pretty much the same as this place mate!"
I,m going to rob a bank tomorrow Dressing as a clown Wearing a thong and nipple tassles I,ll be carrying a goat with a dildo up my arse and a tin of dulux In the bank the goats gunna suck me off n i,ll throw the paint over the walls whilst shouting the words big fat pissflaps Once i get the cash i,m gunna **** on the floor and escape in a van shaped like a big pink cock...... Lets see crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that ****er...
as i am otherwise indesposed tomorrow i will do 2 today This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. 'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." (pause) "O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . . . . ."
Me and my Missus' sex life is like the Irish Football Team: Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there, There's no passion, no communication and we never make it past the first stage, There's horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet, Its over far too quickly and when it does end I know it'll be at least another four fu*king years before it happens again!
Johnny comes home from his first days work at the butchers and says to his mum "I got the sack today Ma" "What on earth for!?" says his mum "Well, I got caught putting my willy in the bacon slicer" he says "You stupid boy, no wonder they sacked you" she replies "And what did they do with the bacon slicer?" she asks, to which Johnny replies "She got the sack as well!" <bump!>
A little Irish boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it. The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course the Madam said 'No'. The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.' Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?' He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'
An old* Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still* wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather* jacket and ordered a cup of* coffee. As he sat*sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next* to him.* She turned to the pilot and asked,* 'Are you a real pilot?' He* replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying*planes, first Stearmans, then the early* Grummans.... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII,* and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and* Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly*and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a* pilot, and you, what are you? She said,* 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking* about naked women. As soon as I get up in the* morning, I think about naked women. When I* shower, I think about naked women. When I watch* TV, I think about naked women. It seems*everything makes me think of naked* women.' The two*sat sipping in silence. A little*while later, a young man sat down on the other*side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real* pilot?" He* replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just*found out*I'm a lesbian.' *
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from Within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter With a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his Daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.. Please, go away and leave me alone.' A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip , Placed the groceries on the kitchen Counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, Downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What in hell are you doing?' The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my Son-in-law.'
How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.. Rinse conditioner off hair.. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.. Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohican. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's up?' she asks.. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband.. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up And says, "Mummy Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on" The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband.. Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor. 'You rotten Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend. In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby , Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate ............................................................................ .......................... Dear Desperate: First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears. Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband. In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie. Good Luck, Tech Support.
Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.
During a recent password audit by Google, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital."
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua .. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink." The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do." They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman p ut on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in." The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog" The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a ****ing Chihuahua ?!"
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night ... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
