Bored? Broke? Do you find yourself with over 35 spare hours to fill every week? Would you like to earn hundreds of pounds every month? Then get a fu*king job like the rest of us, you lazy bastard.
Two Irishmen lying in bed together and Murphy says to Paddy " don't think much to this wife swapping "
The French Irish war ! The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 'Hallo, Mr. Hollande!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you. We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty.' 'Well, Paddy,' Hollande replied, deciding to play-along, 'This is indeed important news. How big is your army?' 'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes Eleven.' Hollande paused. 'I must tell you, paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.' 'Begora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.' Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on. We have Managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be paddy?' Hollandey asks. 'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor..' Hollande sighs, bemused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured Personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.' 'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. I'll have to get back to you.' Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!' Hollande was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, That I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000.' 'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.' Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hollande. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.' 'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Hollande. 'Why the sudden change of heart?' 'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no friggin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
The Duchess of Cambridge declined the invitation to present the trophy at this year's boat race when she was told it involved kissing the cox of the winning crew.
Paddy says to Mick, "I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?" Paddy replies, "I'll take her with me."
I went to see the Red Arrows last weekend. There was near miss after near miss, screams of "oooooohhh" and "aaaaaaahhhhh" But eventually my wife managed to park the car and we saw the show.
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY: 1. Feed him 2. Sleep with him 3. Leave him with peace 4. Don't check his phone (Msgs) 5. Don't bother him with his movements So what's so hard about that? HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY: It's really not too difficult but... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a plumber 10. a mechanic 11. a carpenter 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 44. give her compliments regularly 45. go shopping with her 46. be honest 47. be very rich 48. not stress her out 49. not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 50. give her lots of attention 51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 53. never forget *birthdays *anniversaries *valentine *arrangements she makes
Sheffield United vs Sheffield Wednesday - Steel City Derby Liverpool vs Everton - Steal City Derby....
A deaf mute man is working his way up in the Triads and finally gets the job of collecting "protection" money on a small patch in China Town. After a few weeks though he gets greedy and starts to cream off some of the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Triad bosses however soon realise that they are short by about 40,000 and send their best enforcer to sort it out. He finds the deaf mute collector and asks him where the money is, but they can"t communicate so the enforcer drags the guy to one of the poor restaurant owners who he knew could use sign language. "Ask him where the money is." The restaurant owner signs to the man who"d been terrorising the neighbourhood for weeks "Where"s the money?" The deaf mute replies, "I don"t know what you"re talking about." The interpreter tells the enforcer this, who immediately pulls out a gun and points in the collector"s mouth. "NOW ask him where the money is." The terrified deaf-mute signs back, "The 40,000 is in deposit box 542 at Paddington Station and the key is in the glove compartment of my car." The restaurant owner says to the Triad, "He says he still doesn"t know what you"re talking about, doesn"t think you have the balls to pull the trigger, and your mother sucks cock for money."
There is a massive tailback on the M6 and a lorry driver caught up in it asks a man, who happens to be walking along the line of traffic, "what the hell is going on?" The man replies, "haven"t you heard? Terrorists have captured the bus carrying the Liverpool team and are threatening to torch the bus if their demands aren"t met. So I"ve organized a whip-round." "How much is everyone giving?" askes the lorry driver. "About a gallon each," replies the man.
