Ferrari"s Formula 1 team manager decided to employ some Liverpudlian teenagers as their pit crew. This was because of their renowned skill at removing car wheels quickly. At the first practice session, not only did they change all 4 wheels in 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged & sold the fcuker to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed & some pictures of David Coulthard"s bird getting shagged up the ar*e.
What's even funnier is the fact that you didn't understand her gesticulations that actually said "sh!t your c0ck is so small, can't you do something about it, I have to writhe and move all over the place to feel anything, your hard on is about as big as a pin prick, you worthless piece of scum, you're no man, you can't understand a word I'm saying, I have to lay here and move around wildly by myself and you think it's funny and think I'm having an orgasm but I'm just trying to feel anything at all your prick is about as big my outy-belly button it's so completely and utterly useless, you really know how to show a girl a good time, why don't you get off me you ugly bastard, roll over and die you're no man you have no idea how to use that thing"
Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience." When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight." Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”
THE PENIS ASKS FOR A PAY RISE: I here by request a pay rise because I do physical labour at great depths. I don't get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a wet environment in a dark place that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures and my work exposes me to contagious diseases. Yours sincerely, Mr. P. Niss. Response: After considering your request and the arguments raised we reject it for the following reasons: You need to be stimulated into starting work. You are part time and fall asleep after brief work periods. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift and you don't observe safety rules such as protective clothing. You can't work double shifts and you often dribble. Yours sincerely, Ms. V. Gina
I was after a job on a local farm and I thought if I took his disabled daughter out on a date, I'd stand a better chance of getting the job. I asked the farmer if that would be OK and he said as long as she was up for it, which she was, then it was fine with him. As she was in a wheel-chair, I borrowed my dad's estate car and off we went. We had a great night out and although she was very good looking, I didn't think that it would go any further because of her disability. We left the club and as I settled into my seat after putting her wheelchair in the back, she leaned over and kissed me grabbing my crotch at the same time. "Do you fancy a ****?" She asked. As I said, she was very attractive and I would have been mad to say no but I was unsure how this would work out. I told he that I didn't know how we could do it but she told me to drive to a field by her house and park up in the gate way. This I did then she told me to carry her into the field where I would find a tree with a "Y" in the lower branches and I could place her there and have my way with her from behind. This I did and spent the next hour shagging the arse off her. Afterwards, I lifted her down, put her back in the car and drove her home. I pulled up at the front door and the farmer came rushing out and, grabbing me by the shoulders, gave me a big hug and thanked me for bringing her home safe. I explained that I was a gentleman and what else could I have done? To which he informed me that "Everyone else, always leaves her in the tree!"
Why do cows look so depressed when being milked? Well if someone woke you up early, rubbed your tits for two hours and didnt shag you, you`d be pissed off too!..
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them:“It'sa illegal to putta 5 people in a Quattro.” "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers. Ze car is designed to karry 5 persons." "You canta pulla thata one on me-aa!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and thereforea you arra breaking da law.” The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!" “Sorry." responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He's a busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
Final Tribute - Piper Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
A wife buys a pairof crotchless knickers inan attempt to spice up a dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the settee. At strategic moments she crosses her legs enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?" "Yes," she answers. "Thank God for that.. For a moment there I thought the stuffing was coming out of the settee."
Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer; that way, when she goes to get one, you'll get a great view of her arse.
I was very naive sexually when younger. My first girlfriend asked me to do missionary so I buggered off to Africa for 6 months...
Harry is visiting his grandma. She complains about the high cost of living. "When I was a girl, you could go out with a shilling and come back home with a dozen eggs, two pints of milk, a pound of bacon, half a pound of tea and a fresh chicken." Harry says, "that's inflation for you." Grandma says," it's nothing to do with inflation, it's all them f*cking security cameras they have nowadays."
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinkin'.
Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie" As a reward I shall grant you one wish." "Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me..?" the Prince asked. The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like..?" The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, " said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla, " and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana..?" The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let’s have another look at that fu*ckin' dog".
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?" "I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes." The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his trousers, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.. Smallcox?"
