I remember when I first started dating my wife, I got a hard-on just watching her eating a banana. Now after twenty years of marriage, I only get aroused if she starts choking on it.
Things you can only say at Christmas: 1: I prefer breasts to legs. 2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3: Smother the butter all over the breasts. 4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5: I've never seen a better spread! 6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change. 7: Are you ready for seconds yet? 8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10: Don't play with your meat! 11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14: You still have a little bit on your chin. 15: How long will it take after you put it in. 16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up 17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19: I've been gobbling nuts all morning 20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.
The Italian man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for a five full minutes at the end." The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes." The Jewish man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat). We made love, and she screamed for over six hours." The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours? "The Jewish man said, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread”.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge door. It said, "this is not working. I'm going to my mothers." I opened the door. The light came on. The beer was cold. Just what in the hell did she mean?
Last night the wife sent me a message saying she was in casualty. Rushed home, switched on BBC 1 and watched all 50 minutes of it... Didn't see her. Wish she'd hurry up home, I'm starving now....
Yesterday, my mum caught me w@nking whilst sniffing my sister's knickers. It wouldn't have been too bad, but she was wearing them at the time. Made the rest of her funeral really awkward.
Some little Scottish prick in McDonald's was lecturing me about red meat and saturated fat today. "I suppose you learned that in Uni, did you pal?" I said. "The University of Life mate!" he replied. "Ferk off!" I snapped "Don't ever ferking say that. You're what? 18? 19? I'm twice your age, kid. I've ferked dozens of women, been married twice, and fathered three kids. I have a mortgage. I vote. I once broke a man's jaw. I've taken drugs and sh!t in bushes. Don't talk to me about life, you little sh!t. You're still at home clinging to your mummy's apron strings and popping your zits." Turns out he said Fife.
A London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the car door, zooming off without stopping. More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!' After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.' 'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.' The Londoner looks down in horror. ‘Oh Fu*k!' he screams... Where's my Rolex?
A Travellers wedding ends in a riot, the police arrest 20 for affray. The next day in court the judge asks the Best Man his version of events....... Judge: "So then , please tell me your side of the story" Best Man: "Well your honour, it is travellers tradition for the best man to have the 1st dance with the bride, which i did....... O.K., I admit I was dancing very close to her but then suddenly out of nowhere the groom runs at us and kicks his bride in the pussy" Judge: "Gosh says the judge that must of hurt.." Best Man: "Hurt.... he broke 3 of my fingers !"
Today i found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in. Now she has made a formal complaint and I've been banned from the gym.
Scientists have found that more & more woman are developing "Hoover disease" After years of marriage they begin to make a continuous whining noise & dont suck any more !
During my wife's labour, the nurse came up to us and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?" I said, "Thanks, but we've already picked a name."
Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times a year. Looks like I'm in store for a wild December.....
Last night I was going down on the missus when she asked me to suck her toes then tongue punch her fartbox, which of course I was only too happy to oblige. Then this morning at breakfast she blows up at me for drinking milk from the carton as "that's disgusting." Talk about exercising double standards.
When Dave first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Dave became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Dave's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. How long will Dave be on crutches? asked his wife anxiously. Crutches? Why would he need crutches? responded the surprised doctor. Well, said the wife you are planning on lengthening his legs, aren't you?
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!' 'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'..
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: WHO WAS THE SURVIVOR? The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke. Men please read on. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
