A son from a poor family wins five million pounds on the lottery. He goes home and gives his dad five hundred quid. The old man looks at the cash and says, "thanks, son, this money will mean a lot to me. We"ve never had much in this family, we"ve always been poor. You know, I couldn"t even afford to marry your mother." "What!" exclaims the son, "you mean I"m.......well.......a bastard?" "Yep," replies his dad, "and apparently a fcuking tight one, too."
I kid went to his father and asked, "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this nice girl" Father: "That's great son. Who is it?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise me not to tell your mom Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, a couple of months later... Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great son. Who is it?" Son: "It's Angela, The other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your" sister. This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. "Mom I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father"
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says. He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face.
A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called, 'Husband- the Master of the House?' Sales Girl: "Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!"*
I hate strip clubs. I can't touch her, she can't touch me, I can't touch myself, and I have to give her all my cash. It's just like being home with the wife.
On a tour of England, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the North West coast. His 4x4 Pope-Mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Liverpool shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing ManU shirts roared into view. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Liverpool fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore… It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach. Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard there were racist, xenophobic people trying to divide the people of Britain, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony, which could serve as a model for other nations". He blessed them all and drove off. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others "Who was that?!" "That" one answered "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom". "Well" the harpoonist replied "he knows absolutely fu*k all about shark fishing, the tosser. How's the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
I told my wife that when I die I'm leaving everything to her. She said, "you do that now you lazy bastard!"
One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom. When he was done pinching a loaf, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall saying "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean". The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realises that although it's nasty, that he had no choice... So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the man's fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.
DRINK DRIVING WARNING I know we car owners are responsible, but this is a warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends after work. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many pints and then topped it off with a couple of jaegerbombs. Not a good idea. Knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before... I left my motorbike in town and took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalizer tests. Because I was in a taxi they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise.. I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the zoo keeper and said, "that"s a docile old thing, isn"t it?" "No way," said the zoo keeper, "it"s the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why, just an hour ago it dragged a Frenchman into the cage and completely devoured him." "Hardly seems possible," said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its arse?" "The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" "Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." "That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't of thought that anybody could celebrate that long."
We're so skint at the moment that I've had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys just to pay for Christmas this year. If things get any worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports.
Yesterday morning I bought two cases of beer on sale at the Beer Store. I placed them on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window. With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" I thought for a few seconds and asked, .... "What kind of beer 'ya got?
I bought a pair of trainers from the local drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.
My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried. Apparently, "balls deep in 'er at number sixteen" wasn't the correct answer.
Somebody broke into my house last night and helped themselves to my traditional festive German bread containing dried fruit and dusted with powdered sugar. Police believe it may have been stollen to order.
