40 Scousers arrive at the Pearly Gates. St.Peter consults with God and says to them, "We've only got room for 12 of you so you'll have to decide amongst yourselves who comes into the house of the lord." 5 minutes later St.Peter says to God, "I don't believe it, they've gone!" God says, "What, all 40 of them?" St.Peter says, "No, the fecking gates!"
Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table, and getting violently ****ed up the arse. Sometimes, I think my mate Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously!
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all." Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. Me wife won twice last week."
2+2+2=7 You gotta love him! Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven, Sir. Teacher: No, listen carefully...If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven, Sir. Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have? Johnny: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have? Johnny: Seven!!! SIR! A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!? A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a ****in ' cat!!!
Taking inspiration from 'I'm a celebrity' I ate a cows testicle, a pigs eyeball, and a sheeps penis last night. Or a Lidl sausage roll as it's better known.
I was watching a film with my little boy earlier. He said, "Daddy, I'm scared. Is that woman going to die?" "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes!" I replied.
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Your Flight will non-stop from London Heathrow to Shannon, Ireland . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH,FECK OH MY FECK !!!!!!!!!' ...Silence followed! ... Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' One Irish passenger yelled... 'For feck's sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!.
A woman takes her 18-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
My missus crashed her car into some guy last night. She told the police the guy had been on his mobile and drinking a beer from a can at the time. The police said he was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory...
CREATING A PASSWORD cabbage Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. boiledcabbage Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. 1 boiled cabbage Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. 50fuckingboiledcabbages Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse.IfYouDon’t GiveMeAccessImmediately Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbage sShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately Sorry, that password is already in use.
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
Well it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job. I really do hope it's me this year.
One of the presenters on Children in Need just said, "Pick up your phone and pledge." I'm still sitting here, with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other, wondering what the fcuk I'm supposed to do next?
My daughter had a charades party for her birthday. After my turn I was beaten up by the other dads. It would seem, that holding my cock and w**king, furiously, while staring at my daughters friends is not the best way to do Gary Glitter.....
