Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it. Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN. The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water. And that night they have sex. The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before. So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water. A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks: "Hello, how's the whole family doing??" The son, who answered the phone, answers: "Well, my Mom's dead, my Sister's pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, 'Here KITTY KITTY'."
At the barbers yesterday, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise, so he gave me a cushion to sit on.
President Trump goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100". The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want The Donald shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100!?" The American Diplomats replied "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk".
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made*a mess". "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good!" said the teacher. Next little Lucy raised a hand and said "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched". "That was a fine story Lucy!" "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"*"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. So... she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands!" "Good heavens" said the horrified teacher "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the f*** away from my Aunt when she's been drinking".
A man calls emergency service: "Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!" After five minutes, the same man calls back: "It's OK, I found another one!"
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the f*cking wall!”
Trump and the Pope Seeking a weekend break from his campaign rallies; Donald Trump jetted to his yacht, which was docked off the coast of Italy. He invited Pope Francis and the press corps on board for a Saturday afternoon cruise. It was a rather windy day. The Pope's little hat, his zucchetto, was blown from his head and into the water. A crewman began lowering a boat to retrieve the zucchetto. Trump told the crewman not to bother. Trump climbed down the yacht's ladder; walked across the waves, picked up the zucchetto; walked back to the yacht and handed it to the Pope. The Pope and the press corps were amazed! Donald Trump could actually walk on water! Speculation immediately began as to how ABC, CNN, NBC, ABC, The Washington Post and New York Times would report this miraculous event to the rest of the world. The next morning the New York Times headline read .. . . . DONALD TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!!!
Being a typical man I make very little fuss about my ailments and probably didn't tell you about my recent knee op. Glad to say all went well- as you will see from the X-ray. please log in to view this image
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my arse still hurts."
At the zoo... A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silver-black gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested: "Now maybe pucker your lips and wiggle your bottom, see what that does." She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. The husband then suggested she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. The husband smiled sweetly at his wife as he opened the cage door and shoved her in. "Now Tell him you have a headache..."
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”
Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. Laying there in the stirrups, the woman tilted her head up and glanced over at the doctor to see him undoing his belt and dropping his pants. “Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?” she yelled in a panic. “Don’t you want to get pregnant?” asked the doctor. “Well, yes, but…” stammered the woman. “Well lie back and spread ‘em,” replied the doctor. “We’re out of the bottled stuff, so you’ll just have to settle for what’s on tap.”
I asked my wife, "Do you think your mother would prefer Riverdance or something more Fred Astaireish?" She replied, "I think she'd prefer it if you stayed off her grave all together, you sick bastard."
Breaking News Nicola Sturgeon has ordered the match between England Vs Scotland be replayed as majority of Scots didn't want that result
You think that shops load up to early for Christmas! well my Supermarket has already got Birthday cake in and that's not for another 7 months !!!
