Little Zachary was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his maths. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in maths. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?' Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
Had a big mix up at the shops today. Apparently when the woman said "strip down facing me" She was refering to my credit card
Cops pull over a jamaican driving a black bmw Turns out he owned the car,had a job and no criminal record So they charged him with wasting police time
Hodgson has announced his 1st starting XI for England......... Wobinson Wichards - Tewwy - Wio - Bwidge, Bawwy -Gewward - Wwight-Phillips, Wooney - Cwouch - Stuwwidg
Kids know far too much these days. Today in the doctors waiting room, i saw a girl playing with her barbie and ken dolls imitating the doggie position. I told her "you will end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that". She replied i dont think so dickhead. Hes doing her up the arse
The Vicar's Salary At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!' More sighs and loud applause. Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.' There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?' Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking His head from side to side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, '**** him'.
The value of a Catholic education and a pencil. Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?' When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.. A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?' But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie. And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!' The nun fainted.
Man is waiting at a bustop and has no arms & no legs Bus driver pulls up, opens the door and says..... "Allright mate.....How you getting on?"!!
Man is waiting at a bustop. He is blind, has two large deaf aids, no arms & one leg. Bus driver pulls up, opens the door and says..... "eye-eye, ear-ear, you look 'armless. Hop on." (Circa 1952)
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, Marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully he opens his sporran And pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, Unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, Which he also unfolds - To reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist. "Six pence" says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence" says the chemist. The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the Silk square handkerchief And the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, And marches out of the door, Shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, Followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists And addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote," he says. ”We'll have a new one."
A Politically Correct Joke As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one: An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club...................................... The bouncer said: "Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai. "
Six Golden Rules For F***ing... These rules are so true. 1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but its harmful if done every day. 2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body. 3. F***ing refreshes you. 4. After F***ing dont eat too much; go for more liquids. 5. Try to do f***ing in bed cause it can save your valuable energy. 6. F***ing can even reduce your cholestrol level. So remember: FASTING is good for your health, and may God cleanse your Dirty Mind.
THE FIRST OLYMPICS JOKE?. It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London. A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus," and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks. The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says, "Fencing."
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio: 1.. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.' 3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!' 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.' 5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??' 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.' 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.' 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ' 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.' 11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.' 12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female room-mate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's room-mate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his room-mate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just room-mates.'' About a week later, Maria said to Anthony, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Your Loving Mama Moral: Never Bulla ****a you Mama
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe who had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ... naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away, and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." - "Did you dance much?" - "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search'. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm. The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man. Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the Police.' 'I like it!' said his seat mate. The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to **** all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?' The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
