finally.... A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fück your brains out, and suck your tìts dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
[TABLE="width: 100%"] [TR] [TD]I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt. After a few seconds my wife said, "****ing hell Dave, that stinks!" It must've been pretty awful, she was downstairs at the time.[/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]
The local Priest invites some faith healers to talk to his congregation one Sunday. The Leader of the Faith Healers stood up and asked if anyone needed help, Paddy stuck his hand up and said he needed help with his hearing. The Faith Healer called him up and then got his three assistants to lay their hands on Paddy's head, the Leader then stuck a finger in each of Paddy's ears and began chanting. After five minutes he stopped and the all removed their hands. The Leader asked Paddy how he felt..................................... Paddy said "I'm fine but my hearing is not till next Thursday!"
Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you ****ING BITCH'
"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?". The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm ****ing her."
Superman is flying through the sky and stops when he see's Wonderwoman on top of a building stark naked. So he flies down, and gives her one. A half hour later, he flies away and Wonderwoman says what was that? The Invisible man says I don't know, but my arse is sore.
I just don't understand my wife sometimes.Last night she let me stick my tongue in her arsehole.This morning, I took a swig of milk from the bottle and she said I'm disgusting?
Nurse at the clinic gives a jar to old bloke and tells him to come back next week with a sperm sample. When he returns the following week she asks him if he managed to get the sample. "Well", he replies," First of all I tried with my right hand, but it was no good. So I tried using my left hand but that was no better. So I tried using both hands, but still no luck. I called the wife and we tried together, still no success. In the end I called the nice young lady from over the road and she tried. But it was no good, even between the three of us we still couldn't get the lid off the jar."
Grandad went into a home. I asked the nurse how he was doing "he's like a fish out of water" she said " having trouble settling in is he" I replied " no" she said " he's dead !"
A Nun is having a bath one day when there's a knock at the door. 'Who is it' ask's the nun. 'It's the blind man' comes the reply. The nun decides to answer the door as the blind man won't be able to see anything. On entering he says 'nice tits luv,where do you want these blinds.
me and the wife watched 6 dvds back to back last night. Luckily , i was the one facing the telly.... Ill get me coat .
My racing snail is not winning races anymore. I decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn’t work. If anything it’s made him more sluggish.
1: A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.” 2: I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already. 3: “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.” He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual,” he replied. 4: Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant. 5: Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off. 6: A classic from Tommy Cooper – I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” 7: A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: “Shut up, you’re next.” 8: A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 9: Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a ****zu. 10: A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
I went to the library and asked for a book on suicide, the librarian told me to sod off as i wouldnt bring it back.
Man 1..i got home early from work last night and found my wife sh...ing my best friend Man 2..what did you do? Man 1..i told her to get out of the house, don`t bother packing anything i will send your stuff on, just get out! Man 2..what did you say to your best friend? Man 1..BAD DOG!!
