"Oh dear, poor old Stoke are in the Championship relegation zone. Let's send Hughsie a pic of the table."
'That's right Mr Gao, we did the minimum we needed to do to have this Premier League game and not the likes of Millwall, Rotherham and Brentford this season. A job well done, wouldn't you agree?'
“Yes that’s the one, in the Northam. Wearing the silly shirt. Now just add the donkey ears by pressing that button and then press here to add the lipstick and the swirly bow tie. The idiots before us actually used the same guy on the front of our season tickets one year.”
More likely: “Is this one Les? Did you really post that? Looks like they’ve tumbled you despite the throw back name. “
"Look, it's Nicola on FaceTime*. Hi Nicola!" *On closer inspection that looks like an Android phone so FaceTime may not be possible.