Porridge when Fletch goes to the Doctors MO: Suffer from any illness? Fletch: Bad feet. MO: Suffer from any illness? Fletch: Bad feet! MO: Paid a recent visit to a doctor or hospital? Fletch: Only with my bad feet! ... MO: Are you now or have you at any time been a practicing homosexual. Fletch: What, with these feet? Who'd have me? And this one below!!!
Bob Monkhouse being interviewed just before he died. Its not the dying that bothers me. its just that you feel a little stiff the next day. Classic.
Racking my brains, some of the headlines from 'The Day Today': "America woke to the shock revelation today that Frank Sinatra isn't famous. He's achieved the illusion of fame through a complex system of levers, pulleys and two-way mirrors. He's agreed to dismantle this system and is expected to be completely unheard of within the next fortnight." Actually I can't think of any more, but here's some of them: [video=youtube;cn9ZktMo-Kc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cn9ZktMo-Kc[/video] And for you Partridge fans, here's some of his bits as sports journalist: [video=youtube;g7rTk8Vihe0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7rTk8Vihe0[/video] I'd forgotten how good that was.
Dr Strangelove President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers): “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room.”
The Jerk Navin R. Johnson (Steve Martin): "I know we’ve only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it."
For ay fans of Arrseted Development out there, some classic Tobias lines.... 'I’m afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run if you will, so I’m afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.' 'Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over — an analyst and a therapist. The world’s first analrapist.' 'You know, first of all, we are doing this for her, okay, because neither one of us wants to get divorced. And second-of-ly, I know you're the big marriage expert. Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot. Your wife is dead! (short pause) I'm sorry. That was 100% inappropriate, and I do apologize profusely.'
I love Arrested Development. Keep hearing rumours of a film, but I don't know if it's true. Tobias & Gob come out with some absolute classics.
"My girlfriend said to me in bed the other night 'You're a pervert.' I said to her 'That's a big word for a girl of nine.'" Emo Philips
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. W. C. Fields
Basil: Rosewood, mahogany, teak? Mr Leeman: ..I beg your pardon? Basil: What would you like your breakfast tray made out of? Mr Leeman: I don't really mind. Basil: Are you sure? Fine, well you go along and have a really good night's sleep then - I'm hoping to get a couple of hours later on myself... but I'll be up in good time to serve you your breakfast in bed. If you can remember to sleep with your mouth open you won't even have to wake up. I'll just drop in small pieces of lightly buttered kipper when you're breathing in the right direction, if that doesn't put you out!!!!
Abbot and Costello: "I ll break your neck if you tell me Who's on first" OK. Probably the whole sketch rather than just the line itself.
Black Adder is King for me, but then again......Partridge “Well Sonja that was classic intercourse” “I woke with a start. At first I assumed I’d trumped myself awake again” “Eat my goal”
In response to Jed Maxwell wanting Alan to meet his brother - ‘No way you big spastic, you're a mentalist!’ Discussing his love of the band U2 :- "Sunday Bloody Sunday. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn't it? You wake up in the morning, you've got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, you've got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you just think 'Sunday, bloody Sunday!'.
[video=youtube;5drObf8yWOc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5drObf8yWOc[/video] Particularly: "I used to wake up in the middle of the night and eat an entire Toblerone... and not a small one, a medium-sized one."
How did you know ? thats how i get mine ? Death would be less painful. Kenneth Williams in Carry on Cleo...""In-fa-mee, In-fa-mee They've all got it in for me.""" Classic line.
"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays". I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. Went to the corner shop........bought 4 corners. A seal walks into a club... "I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a ****zu." RIP Tommy.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know. I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. Groucho
