The catholic church has announced the use of condoms is acceptable in extreme circumstances, for example, if an alter boy has diarrhoea.
Whats the difference between an egg and a ****................ You can beat an egg - boom boom!!!!! I'll get me coat Lol Bart
Sol Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!" "While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!" "It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care." The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed... The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just ****ing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
Irishman, Welshmsn, Scotsman, Geordie. Irish,,,,,,,,,, my son was born on st patricks day so we called him Patrick. Welsh,,,,,,,,my son was born on st davids day so we called him David. scotsman,,,my son was born on st Andrews day so we called him Andrew geordie,,,,,,,,,,,,how strange is that we call our son ,,,,,PANCAKE.
A man went to the vets all upset saying "I have this parrot and I think it's dead". The vet urged him not to be too hasty and whistled sharply, summoning a golden labrador who bounded up onto the table, took a long drawn sniff of the parrot and looked at the parrot before letting out a mournful yelp and then left slowly with its tail between its legs. The vet said things didn't look good and then rang a bell and in came a large tabby cat that looked at the parrot up and down slowly, before letting out a doleful meow and slowly leaving the room. The vet then regretfully informed the man that his suspicions had been confirmed and presented him with a bill for 520 pounds. Alarmed he queried the bill - to be informed the 20 pounds was the sanitary disposal of the parrot's body, the rest was for the lab report and cat scan.
Now THAT might be considered slightly provocative for our Uber Mod?? Would have thought it might go better on the Rangers board?? Mind, best one liner I've heard in a while
While I was driving down the M1 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked: "Runway too short?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work." To which he asked, "What do you do?" "I'm a rec-tum stretcher," I responded. The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rec-tum stretcher?? And just what does a rec-tum stretcher do?" "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one flnger, then I work my way up to two flngers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet." Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?" To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." Speeding ticket: ã105.00 Court costs: ã45 Look on copper's face: Priceless....
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. He's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?
Crap golfer says to Caddy "I'd move heaven and earth to card a good score". Caddy says " Try moving heaven - you've moved most of the earth"!
Young lady worried for her health, goes to the doctors desperate for help. She explains her fanny keeps whispering in the middle of the night....."Newcastle are gonna win the Premiership" The doc replies, "Dont worry, it's normal loads of ****s talk like this......
