NO ITS JUST EDITED TOGETHER SO YOU DONT HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE OTHER ****E EDIT: i dunno why i typed all that in caps , whos shouting
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde & a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, & the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me & by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face". The large lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde & she smacked him". The Frenchman thought - "That ****ing Englishman put his hand on that blonde & by a mistake she slapped me". The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again"
At first I was afraid, I was petrified. By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side. I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head, If I'd known for just one second you'd assault me in your bed. I tried to go, walk out the door. But you've been sitting on my legs and I can't feel them anymore. And now you're sitting on my face, my nose has vanished - not a trace. I only hope that you're big knickers aren't made of liquorice lace. I want to go, I've got to leave. Before your fat and naked body makes me bend over and heave. Only hope that no one saw me walking home with such a slut. God the things that you get up to when you're half cut. I can't believe, I'm lying here. It's all 'cos of that ****ing evil drink that we call beer. You can Sod your beer goggles, **** I must have been blind, To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind. Please let me go, I'm getting scared. There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly breasts from being bared. I think that I must have been mad, God what made me want to court her? With tits that look like Tesco bags I've just filled up with water. It's time to go, run out the door. She's started hinting she wants sex on her dirty lino floor. I don't think there's anything worse Than the al-co-hol-lics curse.
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual off-colour and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and says: "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential...because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to Discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
Mr. Perkins, the biology teacher at a posh girl's school, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your homework. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
Following the Last Trump Mother Teresa, Lady Di and RHC’s daughter arise and head for heaven. All three of them are standing outside the pearly gates and are met by St Peter who says 'Aah yes I was expecting you three, go along that corridor there your rooms are marked with your names'. Mother Teresa's room is first and she goes in to find a smelly excrement filled room with a disgustingly dirty bed, lying on the bed is the ugliest man in creation fat, flatulent, bald, no teeth etc. The door slams behind Mother Teresa and the voice of God comes over the intercom 'Mother Teresa you led a life of debauchery and sin your penance is to make love to this man for all eternity'. '**** me' thought the other two. Lady Di's room was next it was even more gross than the last and the hideously ugly man laying leering on the bed was even uglier than the last. Again the door slams behind Di and the voice of God booms out 'Dianna you led a disgusting, debauched and unholy life on earth. Your penance is to make love to this man for all eternity' Jesus ****ing Christ thought RHC’s daughter. She walks to her room and with trepidation steps in... soft lighting shows a beautiful room, champagne chilling by the bed, and George Clooney stretched out stark naked on the silk sheets. The door slams behind RHC’s daughter and the voice of God once more booms out. 'GEORGE CLOONEY! YOU LED A DISGUSTING, DEBAUCHED AND UNHOLY LIFE ON EARTH.................
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts," he said. "Get away from me, you dirty old man," she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you £5" he says. "£5 !! Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you £10" he says. "NO! Get away from me!" "£50" he says. She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses & says, "I said NO!" "£100 if you let me feel your breasts," he says. She thinks, well he is old ... and £100 would be very handy...."Well, OK...but only for a minute," she says. She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel...and then he starts saying OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...while he is caressing them. So out of curiosity, she asks him "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god'?" While continuing to fondle her tits he answers "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get £100 ?"
