Firsts.

Right .

Off for my Dinner .

Home made steak & Kidney Pie .

Laters

 

Fosse

Yeah the Spud nerds could be contenders. Power Spurs is often simmering on the edge of a rant. That ****ing R2D2 one will just geek himself into a spastic fit, nobody would understand what was going on anyway.

 

Easy

No spunking over the TV later okay ?

 

Dont stick your dick in it. 3rd degree burns on the chebster wont be fun.

 

Talking like a man of experience there Comm.

 

they are a bit geeky like. plus they dont like f1 girls.

 

Lads chat the other day..seems someone put a water melon into a microwave, then cut a hole and put his bellend in.

wtf, why?

 

Jesus Christ

 

Its the closest he's ever got to screwing some lass on tv!

 

someone off here should try waxing, for a laugh.

what could go wrong?




My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."


So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)


So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.


With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.



Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip ****! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!


I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to my self "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? &g t; Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*



I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax of f!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!!

It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL HERE.......ALL OF IT!


So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.....

 

First car - never
First time sex - 17
First time punched up - 19
Drunk 14
Arrested 25
Illegal drug - never

 

Comm.

Da **** have you been reading recently ffs?

 

. its amazing the **** that is out there.

 

First car - 25 - I'm a biker really.
First time sex - 16
First time punched up - 15 [see also 'Arrested' - same incident]
Drunk 13 - My dad took me and my 15 year old brother out and got us throwing up pissed. His dad was a publican and he can really drink and thought it was the right thing to do. It's not normal, right?
Arrested - See first time punched up. I was arrested for fighting in a hospital A & E, had to have 9 stitches in my top lip, so at least I was in the right place.
Illegal drug - 15 speed.

 

Yeah, don't have the chicken and mushroom. Wouldn't trust the creamy sauce.

 

i'm still waiting for more details on the boat sinking incident.

 

Yeah and how he accidentally took LSD.

Come on @gooner4ever ffs.

 

Yeah good reminder.
@gooner4ever

 

First time you bought a car: 18. Straight to Kwik Fit for a retro-fit Scorpion Exhaust and a K&N air filter.

First time you had sex: 14 with a fiery redhead who was 15. Couldn't have gone any worse.

First time you got drunk: Can't remember.

First time you got punched up: My whole life I've been in scrapes. First time it hurt was when somebody banged me for saying his Mrs looked like Rodney. That was a stunning punch. By the time I regained my bearings my mate had banged him into a cold heap on the floor. My nose was splattered, I cracked it back into place and I can still remember the noise.

First time you got arrested: 8 years old for being in the unoccupied house across the road with two other kids. I was found sitting behind the sofa eating out of a jar of jam with a spoon.

First time you took an illegal drug: 14 or something I had a can pipe with some resin. Disgusting.

 

Ok went to Amsterdam on a stag weekend, went to Banana Bar and saw Will Carling the then England Rugby Captain in there, the tricks those ladies can do with cigars/ping pong balls/and marker pens !
Anyway we all got so pissed we ended up in late night cafe - I thought I will have a coffee to sober up, and a nice cake..... which had LSD in it rather than the dope I was expecting!!
The next few hours were very weird!


Boat sinking - was really stupid to get caught. Me and some mates swam out to a boat and were diving off it and just mucking about when one thought it would be so funny to capsize it, so we did.
You don’t expect the owner to be:
1 a cop
2 on the beach