Sean Connery and Lulu are at a function in Glasgow together, they get to talking at the bar and after a few drinks disappear up to Sean's hotel room. After doing the deed Sean turns to Lulu and says "I'm goin to shleep for an hour love, I want you to put your handsh on my ballsh and hold them, when I wake up I'm gonna shag you like you've never been shagged before" Sure enough an hour later he wakes up and Lulu is screaming like she's never screamed before. After this session he says "Ok thish time I want you to put both your handsh on my dick, hold it for an hour and when I wake up it'll be even better than last time" So she does and an hour later again Lulu is having the best sex she has ever had. Afterwards lying in bed smoking and dripping with sweat Lulu turns to sean and asks "so what is it about me holding you down there that makes you perform so well?" Sean replies "Oh that, that was nothing to do with it, the lasht time I shagged a burd from Glasgow she knicked my watch"
If you were stuck in a room with a tiger, a cobra and BH and you had a gun with only 2 bullets who would you shoot? BH twice make sure the **** was dead
This well known story makes me laugh: Australian bricklayer's report- Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry. Kevin Roben Wagga Glass & Aluminium Pty Ltd PO Box 5004 ( 11 Dobney Ave ) Wagga Wagga NSW 2650
How do you tell if you've had a really good night of oral sex? -You wake up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth.
