Classic Jokes..

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wizered

wizered

Ol' Mucker
Staff member
Jan 25, 2011
36,703
6,486
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Bristol.City Land
This man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for years, and the only company he had was a dog and a sow.

He starts to feel randy and looks at the dog and the pig and thinks to himself, I’ve got to have one of them. After some thought he decided on having the pig. But when he approaches the sow for his moment of pleasure, the dog runs at him and bites his arse.

This continues every time he tries to mount the pig. After a few weeks of this he starts to get really frustrated.

Then one day he looks out to sea and spots a beautiful woman on the point of drowning. He swims out and rescues her, gives her the kiss of life and brings her round.

The woman is so grateful, she say’s to him “Thank You, Thank You, I will do anything for you, and I mean absolutely anything”

The man can’t believe his luck and replies. “You wouldn’t mind taking that ****ing dog for a walk would you.
 
A Chinese couple get married, and she's a virgin.

On the wedding night she gets nervously under the sheets while her husband undresses.

He climbs into bed next to her, and tries to be reassuring: "My darring. I know dis your firt time and you flighten..

I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want.

What you want"

She says "I wanna try a 69"

He said "You wanna beef with bloccolli"
 
Joe is sitting on a train across from a
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
 
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for £500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for £500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for £500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for £500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
 
This Asian goes into this shop and ask's the assistant for a tin of cat food

The assistant says, you will have to bring some proof, we believe you people are eating this stuff

The Asian leaves the shop. Three days later he returns and says to the assistant, a tin of dog food please

The assistant says, I've told you before you will have to bring proof, we believe you are eating this stuff

The Asian again leaves the shop. Three days later he returns, places a bag on the counter and says to the assistant, have a look at that

The assistant puts his hand in the bag, feels something soft, pulls his hand out and says to the Asian, YOU DIRTY BASTARD. THAT'S ****!

The Asian says, can I have a toilet roll please.
 
what do you get if you cross an ex game show host with a bag?
Michael Carrymore
I'd like to thank my parents, my school teachers, my friends and if I may be so brave....god. My heart also goes out to Lan, of course. If this had been any other classic joke situation..you would've won, perhaps you should've tonight, all I've got to say is it was great standing next to you buddy....thank you all so much and GOODNIGHT:emoticon-0137-clapp:emoticon-0137-clapp:emoticon-0137-clapp:emoticon-0137-clapp:emoticon-0137-clapp:emoticon-0137-clapp
 
I had a dream last night that me and four gashead mates were at the champions league final and it was Bristol City v Barcelona, after
half an hour it was 4-0 to city, then 5-0 at half time we added 3 more in the second half to win 8-0 and lifted the champions league cup!

What a stupid ****in dream, theres no way on earth I would be mates with any gasheads!!!
 
Our next door neighbour has just offered me to a water fight, he's a gas head so I thought I would just put up a quick post while the kettles boiling.
 
This fellah walks into a bar and orders a beer, he's sitting there supping it when he notices two beautiful girls sitting at the other end of the bar, he empties his glass and orders another beer and what ever the two girls are having

The bartender say's, "Your wasting your time there mate"

The guy say's "Naaa. Give them a drink. So the bartender gives them a drink.

The girls out of respect raise their glasses, and take a drink

The fellah thinks to himself, I'm in here and goes over to the girls and says, "You girls want another drink"

The two girls look at him and one says, "Your wasting your time we're lesbians"

The fellah says, "what's a lesbian"

One of the girls says, "We like to suck tits and lick Fannies"

The fellah has a big smile on his face and shouts to the bartender, "Hey get three drinks over here for us lesbians"
 
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