Burning question of the day

Woman walks into a shop with couple of kids, unfortunately she had a face like a bad beekeeper and weighed at least 25 stone.

" The bloke behind the counter says " Excuse me madam, are your children twins"?

The woman replies " No....Gerald is 6 and Mary is 13, why do you ask"?

The fella replies " I just I can't believe anyone would shag you twice"

 

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

 

Camel!

 

Fella up in court for performing sex acts on animals in a public toilet.

Judge says " Mr. John Alfred Carruthers, you are charged with the mentioned crimes, which quite frankly disgust me. How do you plead"?

The chap whispers " Not guilty"

Judge " Speak up man, I can't hear you"

The fella again whispers " Not guilty"

Judge " I can't hear you, will you please speak up"

The accused's lawyer say's " I'm sorry your honour, my client is suffering from a sore throat"

Judge " Why doesn't he try sucking a fisherman's friend"

The bloke pipes up " Do you not think I'm in enough bother as it is"

 

ah - excellent stuff !

I'm going to get thrown out of this office if I carry on laughing !!

Friday is a good day for a joke thread....

 

Aye....a few good belly laughs then out for a quiet pint then 8 or 9 noisy ones.

The perfect Friday...

 

agree !
followed by a curry
followed by a visit to Greys club (is it still open ?)
pull a very willing divorcee - take it home and give the dog a bone..

 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ....... and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........."

"You just happened to catch my eye."

 

Know another one about a glass eye but it's too late to type it out.

 

With a few changes

Doctor can you help me"?
"Yes of course, what's the problem"
"Well actually, it's not me it's my brother. He thinks he's Cesc Fabregas"
"Oh, I think that's unlikely, where is he then"
"In Tiotes back pocket"[/