Bob Holness RIP

Bib Fortuna's Maw · Jan 6, 2012

Oscar Wilde.

No bad

Points off for mentioning Alan Coren without involving his daughter's tits.

Extra points off for ****ing up the timeline (unless that was deliberate)

Nazara · Jan 6, 2012

The Wilde one said: ↑

I wrote a story about Bob Holness once. If anyone is interested, here it be:

A tale about me, Bob Holness and Richard Long

Picture the scene: Its 1967 and I’m on my way to Somerset travelling on the M5. I’m cruising along in my reliable cream Toyota Cressida. In the midst of a storm, the Toyota blows over onto the hard shoulder, before promptly going up in flames. I escape and sprint across the adjacent field to find an area of safety, passing only a bohemian clad photographer, who seemed too stoned to help.

As I attempted to get my breath back who should be casting a shadow over me but none other than Bob Holness, former presenter of Blockbusters. He asked "why have you run over here?" I couldn’t resist, I instantly replied "can I have a P please Bob?" The joke was to be repeated another 32511 times for nearly 30 years, a pun that would plague Bob. People would make special journeys to this exact point, to recreate every step of the incident before delivering the finely tuned line to Holness; if you ever wondered what he did away from the studio of Blockbusters, this was it.

As for me, I achieved a small level of notoriety, well I made the news in three regions Central, North West and rather puzzlingly Sevilla, where I was given the choice of any lady or any Chihuahua, I won’t declare my choice, maybe I’m just born to live in regret. I had my picture taken with Walt Disney who later died in 1995, I believe, and I received a prize ham through the post, captured in still frame. However, I wasn’t the only man to take advantage of this momentous occasion. The photographer I passed on the way was a young man from St Martin's college by the name of Richard Long. Long galvanised his career with a picture entitled 'A line made by walking'. That was my line, the bastard. The picture now hangs proudly on the walls of the Tate modern; its artist describes it as "a straight line in the grass, which was also my own path, going 'nowhere'." No Richard, the line was my path, as I was not keen on active cremation. My claims against Long were in vain. Nobody listened; I was met only with derision. I achieved my fame, now I had to retire gracefully it seemed. I can’t help but feel when Andy Warhol talked about fifteen minutes of fame he was sticking up for his fellow artists. I waited for a call from Holness, the only witness to this ordeal. It never came, instead a headline in The Times which read sarcastically 'Who am I to feel bitter?' Holness obviously resented me and who could blame him, I sold him down the river.

January 2006: I’m throwing fillet of fish into Wivenhoe dam in Burnham-On-Sea, an artistic statement? Yes, and also bait, hopeful that, ever the opportunist, Richard Long may be passing with his camera. He never did. With hope fading I looked across the picturesque dam hoping for some inspiration, or divine intervention. Low and behold who should I see? Alan Coren - former team captain from BBC gameshow ‘Call my Bluff’. Even better, he was sitting next to Bob bloody Holness. Now bare in mind Bob is angry about the incident back in ‘67, but I was equally disappointed that he failed to support my claims about Richard Long's plagiarism, so I consider the scores to be even. I introduced myself without delay, "remember me?" "No", said Holness bluntly, sipping some homemade cider in a traditional Bristol vase. I try to explain, going into great detail, eventually acting out sequences of the event. At this point Coren intervenes by dissecting my statement and witling it down to one truth - "You're that guy who instigated the whole can I have a P please Bob aren’t you?" "Yes I am" I replied, and I would like a moment with Bob if you don’t mind." Coren obeyed and took a walk round the dam, hassling students along the way.

Bob and I got talking. I explained how I felt about the episode and told him how curious I was, about why he never supported me over the line in the grass dupe. Bob paused for thought, I could detect a forfeit was on its way as he continued to deliberate. "Well..." Bob declared, "The reason I didn’t support you was because..." "Please, I must know" I pleaded, "He threatened to ban the P." "The P?" I cried. "Yes the P, the letter P from the Blockbusters board." Apparently Long had his contacts at ITV, no wonder he got his own South Bank Show.

So, why the reluctance to tell me since leaving the show? It suddenly became clear. The 'Can I have a P' that I felt so guilty about, the line that I believed hung around Holnesss neck like a gallows knot, was in fact the gimmick that kept Holness and his show going. What would Blockbusters be without the P? Probably another 'Raise the Roof', and who other than Holness, remembers that? The truth is, I made Holness. I told Bob that when you look at it, I made two people's careers that day - a primetime presenter, and a longstanding reputable artist. Not bad for a day’s work. So much for my fifteen minutes. Holness looked ashamed, perhaps ready to toss his MBE into the dam - now that would be a statement. He turned to me and said "Do you feel cheated?" I couldn’t resist, I replied - "Who am I to feel bitter?"
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What has this got to do with Fingering?

The Wilde one · Jan 6, 2012

Bib Fortuna's Maw said: ↑

Oscar Wilde.

No bad

Points off for mentioning Alan Coren without involving his daughter's tits.

Extra points off for ****ing up the timeline (unless that was deliberate)
Click to expand...

Everything I do dear boy, is deliberate.

I LOVE TITS. There I said it.

- SW6 - · Jan 6, 2012

Bib Fortuna's Maw said: ↑

Oscar Wilde.

No bad

Points off for mentioning Alan Coren without involving his daughter's tits.

Extra points off for ****ing up the timeline (unless that was deliberate)
Click to expand...

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Otto Flayshow · Jan 6, 2012

A message posted from Ed Miliband's Twitter account read: "Sad to hear that Bob Holness has died. A generation will remember him fondly from Blackbusters."
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Looks like Ed's still thinking about what to do with Diane Abbot.

Bob Holness RIP

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Bob Holness RIP

Bib Fortuna's Maw Well-Known Member

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