Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

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Breaking news!!!!

Luis Suarez has been arrested for the murder of Whitney Houston in a racially motivated attack.....
Eye witness Patrice Evra says he saw Suarez kill her at least ten times.....
Sir Alex Ferguson has called for the death penalty....
Kenny Dalglish says he's never heard of Whitney Houston & has questioned whether she actually ever existed......
Howard Webb says he saw it all !!!!
 
I was giving this married lady one across her kitchen table when we heard the front door open!

"Quick," she says, "Try the back door!"

With the benefit of hindsight, I should have legged it, but it's not every day you get an offer like that!
 
Breaking News

Bobby Brown found dead in bath, suicide note found which is reported to read:

"Two can play that game"
 
This letter was sent to the Headmaster's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 89 years old and live at the West Earlham Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 92 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to **** off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,
Myrtle
 
A duck waddles into a pub, goes up to the bar and says to the barman, have you got any grapes, the barman replies No mate this is a pub not a grocers. The duck turns round and waddles out. The next day the duck returns to the pub, waddles up to the bar and asks have you got any grapes, the barman says, I told you yesterday, we don't have any grapes this is a pub not a grocers. The duck turns round and waddles out. The next day the duck returns to the pub and asks, have you got any grapes, the barman is now apolectic and screams at the duck, I keep telling you, you dumb stupid duck we don't sell ****ing grapes, if you come in here again and ask for grapes I'll nail your stupid beak to the bar!!!! The duck turns round and waddles out. The next day the duck waddles into the pub goes up to the bar and asks the barman, have you got any nails, the barman is somewhat taken aback by this, and says well actually NO we don't have any nails.
OK says the duck can I have some grapes then please?

ILD OTBC
 
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Norwich, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist.. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult incontinence pads?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "Great, We'd like to book you for our wedding reception."
 
Hi I don't want you to panic, but I’m sending this from Accident & Emergency.
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

ILD OTBC
 
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same, the ironing is building up and she hasn't cooked anything for 3 days!"

ILD OTBC
 
Paddy says to, Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
No No says Mick, don't do that, have you not seen how many of their owners go blind?

ILD OTBC
 
A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him...you want a what bach?
"Where are you from? You sound English".
"I'm from just across the Severn ," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn bach?".
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?"
"I stuff animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman "he's one of us!"

ILD OTBC
 
Guy went into the pet shop to buy a talking Parrot, looked at all the parrots and found one he liked, asked the owner how much it was and was told 200€.
"No, sorry thats far to much", as he walked away the parrot said "Offer him 20, i'm defective and have been here for years". So the guy offers 20 and gets the bird.
Gets the bird home and says "So how are you defective", parrot replies "I've got no legs", "So how do you sit on the perch" "Easy i wrap my dick round it".
Couple of weeks later guy comes in from work and the parrot says "Not sure if i should tell you this but after you left this morning your next door neighbour came round, your wife went to the door in a skimpy see through nighty, the guy lifted it up and started stroking her body, then he went down on his knees and started kissing her pussy", "Then what happened" said the guy, "I dont know" said the parrot "I got a hard on and fell of the bloody perch"
 
Whitney used to do commercials for Pepsi..... then spend all the money she made on Coke.

The staff at McDonalds are so friendly these days, when a fat bird served me earlier she even apologised for the weight.

After the N'teenth time of my nan ridiculing me for being a virgin, I lost it with her.

Whats 6 inches long and wont be getting sucked on Valentines day??? Whitney Houstons crackpipe....
 
7 English men and and Irish man in a rape line up.
The victim walks in and paddy steps forward and shouts...

"Yeah thats her the miserable twat".
 
An Ipswich fan takes his daughter to the doctors after she complains of morning sickness.
The doctor asks "Is your daughter sexually active?"
"Is she ****!" he says, "she just lies there like her mother".
 
An elderly man is on his death bed and he can feel the end is near. He then smells a lovely aroma and realises his loving wife of 60 years is baking his favourite cakes. Somehow he finds the strength to drag his knackered body to the kitchen. His frail withered hand slowly reaches up to the table when he suddenly feels the whack of a wooden spoon as his wife barks..... "**** OFF THEY ARE FOR THE FUNERAL".
 
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