Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

  • Please bear with us on the new site integration and fixing any known bugs over the coming days. If you can not log in please try resetting your password and check your spam box. If you have tried these steps and are still struggling email [email protected] with your username/registered email address
  • Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!
redruthyella said:
A blind man goes for a job as Quality Control Manager at a woodmill. The manager thinks he will amuse him so grants him an interview.
"How do you propose doing the job if you can't see?" asks the manager.
"Oh that's no problem" says the blind man, "I can tell a piece of wood just by smelling it" he says.
"OK" says the manager, "if you don't mind, I'd like to put that to the test".
He puts a bit of wood under the guys nose. "Ah, that's Fir" says the man. "About 40 years old, cut down 8 days ago."
"I'm impressed" says the manager. "Now try this one".
"Aha, that's Cedar" says the man, "at least 60 years old and cut down yesterday".
"Well I never" says the manager "just one more".
With that he takes his secretary aside and says he wants to trick the old boy. Would she take her knickers off and stick her fanny in the blokes face. She nods and takes off her knickers and shoves her fanny in the blokes face.
"Haha" the old boy exclaims, "good try but you can't trick me".
"That's the **** house door off a tuna boat!"
Click to expand...

LOL redruth .......<laugh><laugh><laugh>
 
A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take
A shovel
Blankets
Sleeping bag
Extra clothing(including hat scarf & gloves)
24 hours supply of food & water
De-icer
Rock salt
Torch(with spare batteries)
Safety triangle
Tow rope
Petrol can
1st aid kit
Jump leads.......
I looked a right twat on the bus this morning!!!!!
 
I was asking the missus why she plucks her eyebrows out and then draws them back on. She says it makes her look sexier.
Using that logic, I have sawn my cock off and drawn an 18 incher down the side of my leg
 
Sid_Smooth_Munky_Canary said:
Sorry to be a pedant, but I think the punchline is actually "I've been well" ;)


Anyone just see Tim Vine on the One Show? I'll nick a couple of his if I may;

I used to have a one armed butler with a bad attitude - he could take it, but he couldn't dish it out

conjunctivitis.com - there's a site for sore eyes!
Click to expand...

Sorry, but No it's the right punchline. "I've been ill" so I couldn't get to the doctors, thats why he hadn't seen me for a while. Not so funny when it has to be explained!

ILD OTBC
 
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a ****."
 
I dreamt the blond in Abba was sucking my cock last night. I woke up when his beard started tickling my balls.
 
I got home and found the wife crying, I said, "What's the matter, dear?" - I always call her 'dear', she's got expensive tastes.

She said, "I'm homesick!"

I said, "What do you mean, homesick? This is your home!"

She said, "I know! I'm sick of it!"
Canary Dave
/ / / / / / / / / /
How about
I'm a little fairy. My name is nuff. Fairy Nuff
Redruth
/ / / / / / / / / /
Anyway, the doctor said how can I help you?
I said my feet are killing me!!
He said what do you mean?
I said, they keep getting me round the throat and squeezing.
ILD CBE OTBC
/ / / / / / / / / /
When I broke my arm, I said to the doctor, "Will I be able to play the piano?"
He said, "Of course you will, when it's better!"
I said, "That's funny, I couldn't play it before!"
Canary Dave
/ / / / / / / / / /
I came downstairs for breakfast. My wife said, "You've got your shoes on the wrong feet!"
I said, "Don't be stupid, they're the only feet I've got!"
Canary Dave
/ / / / / / / / / /
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down. 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy'
Redruth
/ / / / / / / / / /

Jokes from Snakepit, Page 1

ILD OTBC
 
I was just going to bed last night when the wife shouts, have you put the cat out? I said no, I didn't know it was on fire!!
ILD CBE OTBC
///////////
While I was at the doctors, I asked him if he'd got anything for wind, he gave me a kite.
ILD CBE OTBC
///////////
Another visit to the doctors,
I said I've hurt my arm in several places, he said, don't go to so many places then!
ILD CBE OTBC
///////////
I slept like a log last night, woke up in the fireplace!
ILD CBE OTBC
///////////
I injured myself tap dancing yesterday, fell in the sink.
Canary Dave.
///////////
Went to the doctor with a broken leg!
I said, "Doctor, what should I do?"
He said "Limp"
Canary Dave.
///////////
They've brought out a birth pill for men!
You put it in your shoe! It makes you limp
Canary Dave.
///////////

Jokes from Snakepit Page 2

ILD OTBC
 
Popped into Morrisons last night for some eggs and the young boy shelf-filling started throwing, butter, double cream and milk at me ................ I thought "How Dairy !"

Q. Why can't dwarfs use lillets ?

A. Because they keep tripping over on the strings !
 
What does kfc and a fat girl have in common?

After you are done with the leg and the thigh you have a greasy box to throw your bone into!
 
Bobby Brown has been found dead in a New York hotel room. Beside the bed was a suicide note which simply said "two can play that game"

Whitney Houston died doing what she was most famous for - holding a note.
 
Sorry all, but the snakepit transfer failed, it only picked up the first two pages apparently, so 500 odd brilliant jokes have been lost.
So we'll just have to start again from scratch.

A blind man walked into a pub, picked his dog up by the tail and started to spin it round over his head. The landlord shouted whoaaaaa, what the hell are you doing??? The blind man replied, Just having a look round.

ILD OTBC
 
Mummy Mummy, there's a man at the door with a bill. Don't be silly dear it's a duck with a hat on!

Mummy Mummy, I hate daddy guts, you stop whining and eat what you're given.

Mummy Mummy, why do keep running round in circles, for gods sake shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

Mummy Mummy, can I play with Grandad again, No you can't you've already dug him up 3 times this week.

Mummy Mummy, do we have to go to Australia, Yes we do now shut up and keep swimming.

Mummy Mummy, can I lick the bowl out when you've finished, certainly not you flush it like everyone else. (Kitchen/cooking joke)

ILD OTBC
 
Married couple out on the golf course, get to the 7th green when the wife suffers a heart attack, out with the mobile and phones for a doctor
After 15mins. the wife says "Where the hell is that doctor ?",husband replies "He's on the 3rd tee, but dont worry everyone has agreed to let him play through".
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back