Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

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The French Irish war !

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Hollande!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you.
We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty.'

'Well, Paddy,' Hollande replied, deciding to play-along, 'This is indeed important news. How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes Eleven.'

Hollande paused. 'I must tell you, paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on. We have
Managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be paddy?' Hollandey asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor..'

Hollande sighs, bemused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured
Personnel carriers.
Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'


Hollande was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy,

That I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000.'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'


Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hollande.
I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Hollande. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no friggin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
 
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Paddy says to Mick, "I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?" Paddy replies, "I'll take her with me."
 
I went to see the Red Arrows last weekend.

There was near miss after near miss, screams of "oooooohhh" and "aaaaaaahhhhh"

But eventually my wife managed to park the car and we saw the show.
 
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Feed him
2. Sleep with him
3. Leave him with peace
4. Don't check his phone (Msgs)
5. Don't bother him with his movements
So what's so hard about that?

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY:
It's really not too difficult but... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a plumber
10. a mechanic
11. a carpenter
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. go shopping with her
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. never forget
*birthdays
*anniversaries
*valentine
*arrangements she makes
 
A deaf mute man is working his way up in the Triads and finally gets the job of collecting "protection" money on a small patch in China Town.
After a few weeks though he gets greedy and starts to cream off some of the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The Triad bosses however soon realise that they are short by about 40,000 and send their best enforcer to sort it out.
He finds the deaf mute collector and asks him where the money is, but they can"t communicate so the enforcer drags the guy to one of the poor restaurant owners who he knew could use sign language. "Ask him where the money is."
The restaurant owner signs to the man who"d been terrorising the neighbourhood for weeks "Where"s the money?"
The deaf mute replies, "I don"t know what you"re talking about."
The interpreter tells the enforcer this, who immediately pulls out a gun and points in the collector"s mouth. "NOW ask him where the money is."
The terrified deaf-mute signs back, "The 40,000 is in deposit box 542 at Paddington Station and the key is in the glove compartment of my car."
The restaurant owner says to the Triad, "He says he still doesn"t know what you"re talking about, doesn"t think you have the balls to pull the trigger, and your mother sucks cock for money."
 
There is a massive tailback on the M6 and a lorry driver caught up in it asks a man, who happens to be walking along the line of traffic, "what the hell is going on?"
The man replies, "haven"t you heard? Terrorists have captured the bus carrying the Liverpool team and are threatening to torch the bus if their demands aren"t met. So I"ve organized a whip-round."
"How much is everyone giving?" askes the lorry driver.
"About a gallon each," replies the man.
 
After overrunning a small town in Syria, ISIS have come up with their worst torture ever imagined. They are forcing innocent men and women to buy and watch every game of a Norwich City Away Season Ticket!
 
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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a *****lian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...

The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.
 
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