Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

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My eleven year old son came home from school yesterday, all embarrassed, and told me they had done "Sex Education" in class.
Later, I went into his bedroom to find him humping away on next doors ten-year-old daughter.
As you can imagine, I went mad!
"What the hell do you think you"re doing?" I screamed.
He looked at me and said, "erm.......homework?"
 
I went to see an escort last night. She advertised a real girlfriend experience. When I got there she opened the door and said, "You're late, I bet you've been down the pub."

We didn't speak for the rest of the night and I ended up sleeping on the sofa.
 
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
 
My neighbour accused me of being a bad parent after listening to my baby son crying on the baby monitor for over an hour earlier.

"Piss off," I said. "Loads of parents use baby monitors."

"Yes they do," he replied. "But not in the fu*king pub!"
 
Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
 
To find out which is the best law enforcement agency in the USA, the president sets a test for the CIA,the FBI and the LAPD.
He releases a rabbit in a forest and challenges them to find it.
The CIA goes in first and,after months of interviewing forest dwellers and conducting forensic tests,they deduce that the rabbit never existed.
The FBI go in next and burn down half the forest claiming the rabbit had provoked them.
The LAPD go in last and after half an hour drag out a badly beaten bear yelling "okay,okay! I"m a fcuking rabbit, I"m a fcuking rabbit!"
 
Which of the following doesn"t belong?
1)Wife
2)Meat,
3)Eggs,
4)Blow job

A: The blow job.
You can beat your wife,
your eggs, or your meat;
but you just can"t beat a blow job.
 
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