I'm in hospital, but don't Panic!.......... I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodill bulb! Doctors say I'll be out in the Spring.
I was about to cross a road when this really fat old woman screamed at me from the other side, "please, young man, can you see me across the road?" I shouted back, "I could see you a fcuking hundred yards back!"
One morning a secretary says to her boss " Hey boss, have you ever rubbed vaseline into your cock ? " The boss nearly chokes on his coffee and says " Why on earth do you ask that ? " She says " Well I had a chapped lip yesterday and today it"s gone "
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I"ve decided to give your wife 775 pounds a week." "That"s very fair, your honour." the husband said. "And every now and then I"ll try to send her a few quid myself!".
Bought my wife a new bag and a belt for her birthday. l don't know why she is so peed off. The Hoover works like a new one now.
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey" she signs "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied "No, but I will for the teapot".
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
A Chinese man decides to move to england. He buys a small piece of land near Stoke. A few days after moving in the friendly english neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum. The english bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, '**** Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's arse, it could just about crap on you.' The Chinese man is very taken back and says, 'Solly sir, you no understand. These not Chinese customs I doing, these English customs.'' What do you mean, mate?” says the English man - “Those aren't English customs.” "Yes, are," replied the Chinese man. "Travel agent man say to become true English man, I MUST LEARN TO CHASE CHICKS, DRINK PISS AND LISTEN TO BULL SH*T"....
If a long condom goes on a long prick and a short condom goes on a short prick, what do you put on a thick prick? a Man United shirt.......
A bloke pulls a Chinese lass at a club. She say "me so horny, me do anythin for you" Bloke says "how a bout a 69?" She says "you fcuk off, me no cooking at this time of night!"
BREAKING NEWS: In a last ditch attempt to save their season, Liverpool have dug up the pitch to plant potatoes. That way they'll have something to lift in May...
Murphy asks Paddy "Why are you talking into dat dere envelope ?" Paddy replies "I'm sending a voice mail, yer feckin eejit !"
My wife asked me to pass her Lip Balm, instead, I gave her Super Glue by mistake. She's still not talking to me......
I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say, "you"re next." They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals.
Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “No Donald Trump!” written in urine across the snow. Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Trump hollers “Well, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!” The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits! Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?” Trump says “Give me the bad news first.” The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.” Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?” The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months." Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... Women like that are hard to find!!.
