Off Topic And Now for Something Completely Different

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DMD said:
It's cracker time...



When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, my whole life changed.

My address, phone number, the name I used.......


An art gallery has refused to exhibit the work of inmates, from the local prison

Apparently, hanging's too good for them


Can't believe I got sacked on my very first day as a signwirter.


When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.


I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else. My mate Gerry is brilliant, he had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs.

Does he make a song and dance about it, well does he?


I'll tell you what I really hate about my new Thai bride. She keeps leaving the toilet seat up


I got a new job with the Samaritans last week. I tried to phone in sick this morning but they talked me out of it!


If I was a plastic surgeon... I would definitely put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.


I said to my wife over breakfast "Were you faking it last night?" She said "No, I really was asleep!"

After my prostate examination the doctor left, then the nurse came in & whispered three words that no man wants to hear..."Who was that?"


I'm only jingling three quarters of the way this year and honestly it's less work and no one can tell.
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That prostate one <laugh> I'm avin that <laugh>
 
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DMD said:
It's cracker time...

After my prostate examination the doctor left, then the nurse came in & whispered three words that no man wants to hear..."Who was that?"
Click to expand...

Reminds me of....

I went to the Docs today and he gave me a suppository in the surgery and one to take home to put in the next day.

As the wife pushed it in I let out a blood curdling scream.

"Sorry darling did that hurt?" She asked.

"No" I said "I just realised the Doc had a hand on each of my shoulders when he shoved his in.........."
 
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Sad to see. Got Alzheimer's. Great programme from my childhood. And robins nest. Probably look ****e now like.
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https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-lincolnshire-46590751

Guy Martin denies 'fake Irish licence' charge


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Image captionGuy Martin will stand trial in July
Motorbike racer and TV presenter Guy Martin has denied having a fake Irish driving licence.

Mr Martin, 37, appeared at Lincoln Crown Court earlier and pleaded not guilty to two charges.

He is charged with possession of a driving licence with intent to deceive and making a false statement by claiming he had an Irish licence.

Mr Martin, of Barnetby, Lincolnshire, was granted unconditional bail ahead of a trial on 1 July 2019.

He denied possession of a document with intent to deceive between 4 December 2017 and 15 May relating to "a document so closely resembling an Irish driving licence as to be calculated to deceive".

Mr Martin also denied making a false statement between 1 March and 15 May 2018 claiming he was the holder of an Irish driving licence for the purpose of obtaining a UK licence.


Shocking news ... he's from Lincolnshire ...
 
Chazz Rheinhold said:
Sad to see. Got Alzheimer's. Great programme from my childhood. And robins nest. Probably look ****e now like.
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Click to expand...

It is sad to see this happen, one of my favourite sitcoms of the time, there is still a line Sally Thomsett said which stay with me. After finishing dinner, it was her turn to wash up, scolding the others for stacking the dirty plates on top of each other, saying she would have to now wash both sides of the plate.
 
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Four-year-olds and forty-year-olds so excited about getting bikes for Christmas


PRE-SCHOOL children and men in midlife crisis are unable to stop talking about the bikes they are getting for Christmas.

The small children and fully grown men have reported that they cannot sleep for thinking about their new bikes and have begged to be allowed to go on them before the big day.

Four-year-old Nathan Muir said: “It’s black with orange handlebars and spokes that light up when you go fast. I’m gonna look so cool.

“I can’t wait to ride it all the way down the hill and make all the big boys totally jealous.”

44-year-old Julian Cook said: “It’s a Santa Cruz Tallboy LT frame in tennis yellow with Rockshox forks and seatpost, an SRAM drivechain with a Raceface crankset, and I am going to look so pro.

“I can’t wait to take it up that 25 per cent climb at Great Dun Fell. All the lads in the cycle club will be totally jealous.”

Mother-of-two Eleanor Shaw said: “I’ve got bikes for my son and my husband because I thought they could go out together.

“But my husband won’t because the younger one refuses to use Strava, and my son won’t because his dad refuses to do bunny hops onto the kerb.”
 
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Chazz Rheinhold said:
Four-year-olds and forty-year-olds so excited about getting bikes for Christmas


PRE-SCHOOL children and men in midlife crisis are unable to stop talking about the bikes they are getting for Christmas.

The small children and fully grown men have reported that they cannot sleep for thinking about their new bikes and have begged to be allowed to go on them before the big day.

Four-year-old Nathan Muir said: “It’s black with orange handlebars and spokes that light up when you go fast. I’m gonna look so cool.

“I can’t wait to ride it all the way down the hill and make all the big boys totally jealous.”

44-year-old Julian Cook said: “It’s a Santa Cruz Tallboy LT frame in tennis yellow with Rockshox forks and seatpost, an SRAM drivechain with a Raceface crankset, and I am going to look so pro.

“I can’t wait to take it up that 25 per cent climb at Great Dun Fell. All the lads in the cycle club will be totally jealous.”

Mother-of-two Eleanor Shaw said: “I’ve got bikes for my son and my husband because I thought they could go out together.

“But my husband won’t because the younger one refuses to use Strava, and my son won’t because his dad refuses to do bunny hops onto the kerb.”
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Humph ... apparently '3 bikes is enough ' ...
 
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Barchullona said:
Likewise. Should have made a connection with cod as at one time Fleetwood was one of the big 3 fishing ports with with Hull and Grimsby. Maybe the Lozenges would be a better one as Fisherman's Friend are made there.
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And now everyone over 40 is chuckling to himself thinking about the old joke.
 
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