There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third, David Cameron, remains quiet. After a while one of the first two guys turns to Cameron and says, "Well David, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" David then says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. Cameron says "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
Moderator Joke We all know that being a moderator is a tough job. So lets make fun of them. please log in to view this image Two moderators (husband and wife) are sitting in front of their computers. The wife says "I could use a bowl of vanilla ice cream with chocolate and nuts on it." The husband says, "Well we don't have any." The wife says, "I want some vanilla ice cream with chocolate and nuts on it." The husband says, "I said we don't have any." The wife says "Well go get some, and write it down, vanilla ice cream with chocolate and nuts." The husband says, "I don't need to write it down, vanilla ice cream with chocolate and nuts." and stomps out. A half hour later he comes back and hands her a ham sandwich. She opens the sandwich and says, "I told you to write it down!! I wanted mustard on mine."
please log in to view this image Q: What’s the difference between Nick Clegg’s A**e and a hole in the ground? A: A hole in the ground can’t talk. How many nick cleggs does it take to change A light bulb? Who’s nick clegg What are the two worst things about Nick Clegg? His face. | 24 notes What is twelve inches long and dangles between David Camerons legs? Nick Clegg’s tie.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, refer to, discuss or gossip about Thesaurus Club.
Hotel Inquiry (it is a dog life) please log in to view this image A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote this short letter: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came back from the hotel owner, who wrote: "Dear Sir ...I've been operating this hotel for many years now, and in all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly, and I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes indeed, your dog is very welcome at my hotel and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too." 4 – Use of English……. at your own interpretation In a Tokyo Hotel: “It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing please not to read notice.” In a Bucharest Hotel Lobby: “The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time, we regret that you will be unbearable.” In a Leipzig Hotel Elevator: “Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.” In a Paris Hotel Elevator: “Please leave your values at the front desk.” In a Hotel in Athens: “Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.” In a Yugoslavian Hotel: “The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.” In a Lobby of a Moscow Hotel across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: “You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.” In an Austrian Hotel Catering to Skiers: “Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.” On the Menu of a Swiss Restaurant: “Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.” On the Menu of a Polish Hotel: “Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.” In a Zurich Hotel: “Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.” In a Swiss Mountain Inn: “Special today – no ice cream.” In a Tokyo Bar: “Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.” On the door of a Moscow Hotel Room: “If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.” In a Norwegian Cocktail Lounge: “Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.” In an Acapulco Hotel: “The Manager has personally passed all the water served here.” In a Czechoslovakian Tourist Agency: “Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages…” Advertisement for Donkey Rides in Thailand: “Would you like to ride on your own ass?” In a Copenhagen Airline Ticket Office: “We take your bags and send them in all directions.” In a Hotel in Madrid: “English well speaking” In a Hotel in Osakas: “In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter” In a Hotel in Paris: “For your evening muscles, the hotel offers a gym in free form” In a hotel restaurant in Greece: “For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient, self service” In a Hotel Bedroom Notice: “Please to bathe inside the TAB” In a Hotel in Nice: “You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid” Outside a Hong Kong Tailor Shop: “Ladies may have a fit upstairs.” 2 of 3 In a Bangkok Dry Cleaner’s: “Drop your trousers here for best results.” Outside a Paris Dress Shop: “Dresses for street walking.” In a Rhodes Tailor Shop: “Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotations.” A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: “It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.” In an Advertisement by a Hong Kong Dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.” In a Rome Laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.” In a Bangkok Temple: “It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.” In a Budapest Zoo: “Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.” In the office of a Roman Doctor: “Specialist in women and other diseases.” In a Tokyo Shop: “Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.” Two Signs from a Majorcan Shop Entrance: “English well talking” “Here speeching American.”
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door. "Is there a problem, Officer?" The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?" The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." "You don't have one?" The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving." The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, I can't do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole this car." The officer says, "Stole it?" The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?" "She's in the boot if you want to see." The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?" "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." "Murdered the owner?" The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?" The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot. The officer says, "Is this your car sir?" The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence." The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner." The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked them. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then," said the lawyer. "But sir, I have a wife with six children," the second man answered. "Bring them as well." They all climbed into the limousine - no easy task - and one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." "No problem," said the lawyer, "The grass in my yard is about two feet tall."
How many Freudian Analysts does it take to change a lightbulb? Two - one to to change the bulb, the other to hold the penis. LADDER - I MEANT LADDER!
There was a rumour that the Thai girl in our office is actually a man. I left a message on her desk, saying that if she really is a "ladyboy", I'd love to spend a night with her. I haven't heard anything back yet. Not a dicky bird
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only £20." "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks. "Well," replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch obscene." "Oh, I don't mind that," said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "**** me, a ******* new brothel and a ******* new madam." "I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel," says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new ******* prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet. A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. "Well **** me, a new brothel, a new madam, new ******* whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?" says the parrot.
please log in to view this image The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. “I know I am going to die” he said ” and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.” It was a few days after the funeral when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 back. “I’m glad you brought it up” said the doctor, “because I have also been feeling guilty, I only put $80,000 back.” “You people should be ashamed of yourselves” stormed the lawyer “stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here? Here look at this” he said pulling out his check book, “look I wrote out a check for the full $150,000!”
A minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church. When he spoke to the congregation he said, "The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church." The choir all stood and sang, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."
I saw a woman driver today. she was tailgating another car really close and had a thing in her back window... "women make better drivers" I thought to myself... sure love, you give birth to men!
Sky news today. They drive better than men. In my over thirty years of driving women are the most reckless drivers. Sometime when women drive me, I have to warn them about speed limits and so on..
