I went to the doctors today and he advised me to lose a load of weight. So I took the wife shopping and ran away when she wasn't looking.
After dinner my wife told me she was expecting a baby. I said you better go and open the door cos it will never reach the bell.
I was in Leeds and saw a sticker on a parked car which read "I miss Liverpool" . . . . so I smashed the window, stole the radio and the hubcaps, and left a note saying "I hope that this helps"
A young couple are on their way to Las Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they had not been intimate was because she was very flat-chested. If he wished to cancel the wedding, it would be okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while and said he did not mind if she was flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wanted to make a confession. He said that below his waist he was just like a baby, and if the girl wished to cancel the wedding, it'd be fine by him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not mind and she also believed there were other things far more important in a marriage than sex. Both were happy that they'd been honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On the wedding night the girl took off her clothes and she was as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes and one look at the guy's naked body made the girl faint and fall to the floor. After she came to, the guy asked, 'I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?' The girl said, 'You told me it was just like a baby.' The guy replied, 'Yes, eight pounds and 21 inches.
