Smartarse? I aspire to adequacy, but never reach it. The views expressed in my posts are not necessarily mine.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. “We know it’s late, sir, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the Mounties. “Tell me! Did you find her!?” the husband shouted. The Mounties looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?” Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said “Give me the bad news first.” The second Mountie said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.” “Oh my God!” exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?” The Mountie continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her.” Stunned, the husband demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s the great news???” The Mountie answered, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”
A Teenage Boy Goes To Church To Confess His Sins “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned I have been with a loose girl.” The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?” ‘Yes, Father, it is.” “And who was the girl you were with?” “I can't tell you, Father I don't want to ruin her reputation.” “Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?” “I cannot say.” “Was it Lisa O'Shanter?” “I'll never tell.” “Was it Cathy O'Dell?” “I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.” “Was it Fiona Mallory?” “My lips are sealed.” “Was it Brenda O'Malley, then?” “Please, Father, I cannot tell you.” The priest sighs in frustration “You're very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you have to atone. You can no longer be an altar boy until 4 months have passed. Now you go and behave yourself.” “Yes, Father.” Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What'd you get?” Tommy grins, “Four months vacation and five good leads!”
I like it, although 'those with a modicum of wit should agree that any half-decent joke has some connection to reality' types may not, 'feck 'em' say I.
Yorkshire Ladies played Northumberland Ladies at Driffield Rugby Club last week. Someone at the club is in hot water for asking “is that a woman?”
