I bought a job lot of oven gloves, for my market stall, but they were absolutely shyte ... ... I really got my fingers burned with them
I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings.
I just don’t like grandiloquent supercilious types who use brobdingnagian voluminous appellations to sound clever.
I saw a gorgeous girl at the supermarket buying tampons, so I plucked up all my courage and asked her if she'd like to go out for dinner ... ... in 5 to 7 days' time.
My mate's been admitted to hospital with extreme premature ejaculation. I asked the nurses how he is, and it's apparently still touch and go.
What do you call a Jock who's always blowing off steam, liable to go off the rails and never turns up on time ... ... the Lying Scotsman
