The waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet in the breakfast buffet. "Just slide your finger between the flaps", she suggested. That finished badly..... On bail till my court appearance
A Polish immigrant goes to Specsavers for an eye test. The optician shows him a board with the letters CZWIXNOSTACZ on it and says, "Can you read that?" "Read it," says the Pole, "I f*cking know the twat!"
I bought myself a book about reincarnation. It was £35, which is expensive, but I thought "Bugger it . . . . you only live once."