I've given up both of my bad habits, smoking and masturbating... I used to be a 20 a day man, and I smoked like a chimney!
I got woken up in the early hours as my son got in from a night out, giggling and stumbling up the stairs before the inevitable groans and banging headboard of a good old drunken shag. 'That's my boy.' I whispered to myself and nodded back off to sleep, proud as proud can be! I waited for the all clear in the morning then collared him. "Had a good time last night?", I asked. "Yeah, thanks for asking.", he replied sheepishly. "Listen son," I said, "I was your age once, going round town nailing everything in sight but I was always careful and you should do the same. You did wear a condom didn't you?" "Don't worry dad," he replied, "we both did!"
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible". "1st - Who was born in a stable?" "Shergar" he replied "2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?" "It kills 99% of all germs" he replied. "3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?" "That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the crap out of them!!"
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
