I've noticed that since we got married, my wife has been drinking more and more, and I'm struggling to cope with it. I'm actually thinking of calling off the reception.
"Sorry I'm late home," I said as I arrived back from work. "Some bloke had lost a £20 note in Tesco." "Were you helping him look for it?" asked my wife. "No, I was standing on it!"
Saw my wife in stockings and suspenders for the first time last night. I said, “er, hello dear, you’re back early.”
When my wife walked out on me, I thought it would be great to be able to eat my dinner, just slobbing about in my underpants. But the whole f*cking restaurant's staring.
I can't believe the amount of people that don't understand erectile dysfunction . . . . it's not that hard
Uncle Ben has been rushed into hospital after discovering a lump in one of his testicles. It turns out that it was a a boil in the bag !
TRAIN TICKET Three women and three men are travelling by train to a football match. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket. 'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket ?' asks one of the men. 'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women. They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.' The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The men see this happen and agree that it was quite a clever idea so after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip to save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any tickets ! 'How are you going to travel without a ticket ?' asks one perplexed man. 'Watch and learn,' answer the women. When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on it's way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. She knocks on their door and says 'Ticket please.' I'm still trying to work out why men think that they are cleverer than women.
My wife asked me which of her friends I'd like to have a threesome with. Apparently I wasn't supposed to pick two of them.
