Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, apparently they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, apparently they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Hope you liked it both timesI'm sure I've heard that before
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A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another
passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.
... "WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a good place
to be today."
Just before the aircraft doors are closed the Pope enters the plane Airplane
and sits next to him.
I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am, a good Catholic on a
flight with the Pope sitting next to me.
The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off
their seat belts.
The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take
out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with
the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. He notices
that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope
is tapping his pencil.
The Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on
flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"
"Anything, your Eminence ... What is it?"
"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means
something associated with women?"
The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says,
"The only word I can think of is aunt."
The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"
passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.
... "WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a good place
to be today."
Just before the aircraft doors are closed the Pope enters the plane Airplane
and sits next to him.
I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am, a good Catholic on a
flight with the Pope sitting next to me.
The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off
their seat belts.
The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take
out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with
the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. He notices
that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope
is tapping his pencil.
The Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on
flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"
"Anything, your Eminence ... What is it?"
"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means
something associated with women?"
The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says,
"The only word I can think of is aunt."
The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"
I've just had a phone call from my mate.
He said...."You won't believe this, I entered a competition last month and I've only gone and won first prize".
I said "That's brilliant...what's the prize"?
He replied..."A week in Ibiza, for me and 3 mates, all inclusive, a 5☆ hotel, with £2,000 spending money....are you free between 20th and 27th of August"?
I said...."Of course I am".
He then said...
"Great.....can you put my wheelie bin out".
He said...."You won't believe this, I entered a competition last month and I've only gone and won first prize".
I said "That's brilliant...what's the prize"?
He replied..."A week in Ibiza, for me and 3 mates, all inclusive, a 5☆ hotel, with £2,000 spending money....are you free between 20th and 27th of August"?
I said...."Of course I am".
He then said...
"Great.....can you put my wheelie bin out".