A guy has a pet duck and they are inseparable. Walking past the local cinema one evening, duck under his arm, man notices a one off showing of his favourite movie Casablanca, is due to start in 15 minutes. He goes to the box office to buy a ticket but is refused entry with the duck. Desperate to see the film, the man hides the duck down his trousers and returns to the box office, buys a ticket and goes to the rear stalls. During the performance, the duck becomes restless. So as not the cause a fuss, the man opens his zip fly and the duck pops his head out for fresh air. A courting couple are sitting next to the man, and the girl nudges her boyfriend , and whispers, "Fred. The man next to me has got his 'thing' out" Boyfriend, " Don't fuss. You've seen one before" Girl, "I know, but this one is eating my popcorn"
Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going? Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now." Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Surprised, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?!!" Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years." Tiger: "But.... you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" Stevie: "Well, I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Tiger: "What's your handicap?" Stevie: "Well, actually I'm a scratch golfer." Woods: incredulous says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money. And I never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?" Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that. OK I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?" Stevie: "You pick a night."
I grew up in a very rough part of town. As a child people would cover me in chocolate, whipped cream and put a cherry on top. It was hard living in the gateau.......