A duck walks into a bar, walks up to the barman. Got any bread? No. Got any bread? No. Got any bread? No. Got any bread? No. Got any bread? Look!! The next time you ask for bread I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar! Got any nails? No. Got any bread?
Why do elephants paint their testicles red? So they can hide in cherry trees. What's the loudest noise in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries.
A man walks into a bakers.............. "Can I have a wasp, please?" "Sorry sir, this is a bakers. We don't sell wasps." "Really? You've got some in your window."
Why do elephants wear sandals? To stop them sinking in the sand. Why do ostriches put their heads in the sand? To check for elephants who forgot their sandals.
Elvis climbed out of the swimming pool for the tenth time. Priscilla asked what was going on. Elvis replied "I can't help falling in, love"
How do you get four elephants in a mini? Two in the back, two in the front. How do you get a giraffe in a mini? You can't as it's full of elephants.
A duck was standing by a road. A chicken ran up and said don't cross mate, you'll never hear the last of it.
Drove into the back of another car today. A dwarf got out and said: "I'm not happy!" I replied: "Well which one are you then?"
NASA is currently examining the planet Mars in order to work out why it has changed from warm and wet to cold and dry. Maybe it got married.
Jose Mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen or heard from again. The McCanns have offered to help.
My butcher is a dwarf, I said to him "I bet you £50 you can't reach the meat on the top shelf". "No chance" he said, "The steaks are too high".
Last night I saw this chap sitting in an AA van with his head in his hands sobbing relentlessly. "I thought he's heading for another breakdown".
