1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,416
    please log in to view this image
     
    #8341
    antipodean exile likes this.
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,416
    Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas.

    1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

    2. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

    3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

    4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

    5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

    6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

    7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

    8. You still have a little bit on your chin.

    9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

    10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
     
    #8342
    antipodean exile likes this.
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,416
    My neighbour has always got to go one better. How many Christmas trees does he need for f*ck sake?

    please log in to view this image
     
    #8343
    antipodean exile likes this.
  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025
    • Bloody feminists.
    • They should all be put behind bras.
     
    #8344
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025
    • Just a mere coincidence that the abbreviation for the war against terror is T.W.A.T?
    • I think not.
     
    #8345
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025
    • Little Bobby says to his dad " Do you and mummy keep birds in your bedroom?",
    • Daddy says "No, What do you mean?",
    • and bobby says "Well, last night i was passing by your room, and i heard you say to mummy
    • "Do you wanna swallow , or should i let it fly?"
     
    #8346
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025
  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025
  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025
  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025

  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,416
    Just bought me a Diane Abbot advent calendar.

    I didn't know there were 43 days in December!
     
    #8352
    antipodean exile likes this.
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,416
    please log in to view this image
     
    #8353
    antipodean exile likes this.
  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,416
    Anyone having problems on O2 with the network ?

    They have a new tariff which might help you in this situation.

    Unlimited smoke signals, unlimited messages in a bottle and 500 carrier pigeons.
     
    #8354
    antipodean exile likes this.
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,416
    A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
    On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
    ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
    ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
    A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
    The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
    Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
    She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
    The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
    Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
    He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
    They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
    He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
    ‘I was behind you at McDonald's’.
     
    #8355
    antipodean exile likes this.
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,416
    please log in to view this image
     
    #8356
    antipodean exile likes this.
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,416
    please log in to view this image
     
    #8357
    antipodean exile likes this.
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,443
    Likes Received:
    294,416
    please log in to view this image
     
    #8358
    antipodean exile likes this.
  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025
  20. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,773
    Likes Received:
    34,025
    please log in to view this image
     
    #8360
    Wooperts_duck likes this.

Share This Page